At the end of this month, I will have spent 6 months of my life connecting, deepening and building the life of my prayers with my beloved, Ramadin.
In some ways it feels like lifetimes because there is so much that feels solid, grounded, and deeply rooted. I almost can’t imagine (and honestly don’t particularly want to) life without him. The visions I have held near and dear to my heart for so long are all manifesting with grace, ease, and the delight of sharing and celebrating it with a loving partner in healthy and aligned partnership.
His presence in my life helped me to realize how much I had been holding and manifesting on my own, and how many high expectations I had put on myself that, honestly, were superhuman and unfair to myself. It’s such an immense gift to share a vision, dream, and prayer with someone who is “ALL IN” and as enthused about making it happen, on the daily, as I am.
In some ways it feels like no time at all as I am remembering that just a year ago my life was completely different and, I thought, everything I wanted. So much has transformed, it truly feels like the caterpillar who is now a butterfly. My life has grown wings and is elevating each day.
The full on truth about deep and loving partnership – the kind that dreams and prayers are made of – is that it is not free from conflict, but what it is free from is antagonism. We both still have our core wounds that get triggered. Ramadin is very sensitive and I am very fiery and sometimes that combo leaves us both feeling a bit raw, but the love is still there, the kindness is still there.
Healthy, long-lasting relationships can’t be forced into an expectation of being conflict-free. One of my most esteemed teachers, Martin Prechtel says that the absence of conflict is not peace. The absence of conflict (and he meant allowing natural and healthy conflicts to arise and be worked through) is violence.
Pretending everything is great so that you can stay in the “love bubble,” is a sure fire way of bursting it even faster and taking even longer to rebuild it. It is really helpful to address wobbles before they become earthquakes. That means accepting conflict as an important part of creating peace and even deeper connection.
I wanted to share some helpful bits that I’ve found have been really helpful in my new (yet so deeply familiar) relationship.
Here are 3 quick steps you can take to step into clearing a wobble with more ease . . .
1) Name what you feel (WITHOUT MAKING UP A STORY ABOUT IT)
Example: “I’m feeling some tightness in my heart and I’m not feeling as close to you as I would like to. That’s bringing up some insecurities and making it hard for me to focus on anything else.”
Our egos like to make up stories about why we feel what we do. Negative feelings are always being contextualized through the lens of our core wounding, and therefore it’s always, to some degree, skewed and lacking perspective. Believing and repeating the story you’re making up about your feelings will only perpetuate old core wound stories. A better approach is to simply name what you’re feeling without a why behind it. This allows you and your partner to focus on what can happen now to help greater connection moving forward.
2) Create spacious time and setting to explore how to be close (DON’T MAKE IT A PROBLEM SOLVING MISSION).
Example: “I’d love to focus on how we can feel more close and connected when we’re both back from work and have had some food and time to relax. Does that work for you? I’m looking forward to finding some ways to feel closer and to feel more confident in our connection.”
Trying to find out what “the problem” is will no doubt bring you to finding many problems. If you can both commit to focusing on what needs to happen in this moment, now, to create a greater connection, then you can, from that connected place, look at how to refine, enhance, or otherwise elevate future similar circumstances by making clear requests. This prevents blaming, shaming, and “should”ing on each other.
3) Value each others’ experiences equally (DON’T GET INTO A TUG-OF-WAR OVER WHO WAS “RIGHT” AND WHO WAS “WRONG” – YOU’RE BOTH RIGHT AND YOU’RE BOTH WRONG).
Example: “I value what you shared with me about your experience and I appreciate you hearing me and valuing what I had to share.”
Neither party is right or wrong. You both have your own experiences. You both may be hurt. The level of hurt is NOT an indicator of who was “done wrong.” Don’t get into a war over who feels worse either. The victim role is not a healthy place to be for anyone. Really taking a deep breath and choosing to honor the feelings and experiences of your partner (without assuming any sort of blame for yourself or them) will start to create connection and the ability to find a healthy and helpful way forward.
REMEMBER: YOU BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER. That’s why you want to talk and work it out. Assume that each of you only wants the best for the other (if that is NOT the case, then get the fuck out!). AND SAY IT “I only want the best for you, even if I don’t always know how to make that happen.”
There is SO much more to a healthy and long-lasting relationship than these 3 steps, but it’s a great start and a helpful reminder on how to step deeper into love.
The other day, Ramadin and I were both in our wounding and feeling heavy-hearted. Ramadin sweetly offered to hold space for me to share what was on my heart, but all that was there in the moment was my old core wounding story, which my ego definitely wanted to re-explain and defend, but my higher self knew it wasn’t going to be helpful at all, so I said exactly that: “I don’t want to repeat an old, false, painful story. I need to just focus on centering back into my resourced self. If there’s anything I need from you after that, I will gratefully let you know.”
The moment I sat down at my altar and tuned in to that painful place in my heart, it softened and opened and I felt great. I realized, yes indeed, that core wounding lens had created a story that just wasn’t true. I was able to share from a loving place, later on, about my process so that Ramadin could get a deeper look at my inner world, but instead of trying to work our way out of our stuck algorithmic loops, we were able to move forward into something much more elevated, loving, and helpful.
May this help you step more deeply into your journey with love. And please know that, many times, these processes can be tricky and easier to talk about than actually make happen. So, if you and your beloved can’t seem to find your way out of your repeating patterns of conflict and you’d like some support, we’d be honored to help you turn your conflict into greater intimacy.
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Until our paths meet again . . . may the Source be with you!