In an instant, I had gone from an ecstatic DMT-like journey into excruciating pain. I was certain I was having a heart attack, and as I brought myself back into conscious awareness of my surroundings, I could see my partner smiling at me with a pleased look on his face.
I knew I was in the throes of a fear-based subconscious program, but since my other cognitive functions were locked around the pain and convinced I was dying, I couldn’t think anything other than “Why isn’t he helping me? Why does he seem so calm and happy? He must have planned this. This must be some sort of trick to dominate me!” I knew I was either absolutely bat-shit crazy because my shadow was being excavated by our powerful Tantric energetic healing practice, or I was heart-breakingly accurate. WHO KNEW? In that moment, I had no certainty about anything.
I know I have certainly made some questionable choices and overlooked signs that, of course, in hindsight, “should have been obvious,” so how could I know whether my fear was feeding me some old worn out bullshit, or trying to get me to see something very real and very dangerous right in front of my eyes?
Well, since I couldn’t trust my projections on the outside, I decided to bring my full and loving attention to what was happening inside my body. I had a golfball-sized knot that I could feel at my heart. It was energetic, but was also causing unbelievable pain. As I dropped into my Subconscious Success Repatterning practice – the one I’ve been using and sharing consciously with clients for over 16 years now (and cultivating since 1982), I started to realize that I had been loosening up and shedding so many layers of trauma (emotional, mental, psychic, and physical) that there was a bottle-neck traffic jam that had happened in a moment of overwhelm. There was some little energy “snag” that things had gotten caught on. I breathed into it, gave it my love and empty presence, and tried to soften and relax.
Who knows how long I was like that, loving all the pain and being kind to my body, mind, and spirit as intense core wounding tried to make its way out of my being.
It makes sense . . . as Ramadin has been working on me with the bodywork, we have been uncovering some really dark and scary shit from my past that hadn’t yet been fully processed.
Growing up female in the Mormon religion, I did not feel in control of my body (there are LOTS of great things about my childhood and growing up the way I did, but the Mormon church is NOT particularly known for its empowerment of women and their raw feminine power). That lack of sovereignty early on lead to hating my body, an eating disorder, and body dysmorphic disorder.
At the height of its grip, I had eating blackouts and put on an extra 40 pounds that I couldn’t seem to put a dent in regardless of exercise and obsessive calorie and fat monitoring. I now faced the fear that this old dark shadow would re-emerge and take over again. It’s the fear we ALL have when we finally decide to quit ignoring our blocks, our stuck patterns, and go in and do the deep core wound cleaning that’s necessary to be truly free.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing these old heavy stories being released from my body. The massage Ramadin has been doing has been immensely painful at times. The aftermath has felt like I was in a car accident. But I can feel that it is bringing more health and vitality into my world. My body is able to move more and do more without severe consequences. So I’ve been committed to breathe through it, soften, open, release and then do it all over again until I am free.
Even though this is my life’s work and I KNOW that the shadows we are clearing from our realities will often appear very strongly as they are coming up and out of our systems, it is incredibly challenging to be right in the middle of it and not buy back into the fear story. Fortunately, I have a loving partner who is willing and able to not take it (too) personally and holds space for me as I fully surrender into the elevation. It feels very much like what I imagine giving birth to be. In pain, but the only way through is forward. Can’t turn back now!
After I was finally in a place to express what was happening – telling Ramadin that I had severe pain in my heart and was needing to focus on letting go of whatever had become entangled on its way out – he of course offered to help me. It was scary, because that fear story wanted to make him the bad guy responsible for my pain, but I relaxed and, staying tuned in to what was happening, allowed him to hold me and to help pull out the psychic thorns and tangles that were causing so much darkness and suffering as they were trying to leave my system. When it was all over, I took a long hot shower and shared with him what had emerged.
“I didn’t understand why you seemed so pleased while I was in such pain. Was that an illusion? Did you actually have a smile on your face?” I asked.
Ramadin had no idea what I was going through. We were in the process of an intimate and ecstatic Tantric practice and it became apparent to him that I was releasing something really big. He had no idea it was so painful and no idea it had triggered so much shadow and darkness. He was simply smiling because he could feel all that I was letting go of and he loves me.
That made perfect sense, but in the moment of being consumed by fear, I couldn’t see anything but my own perspective, which was colored by the lenses of pain and a healing story that has an imprint of the masculine being a threat to the feminine. WHAT A RELIEF to reach this new and profoundly deep layer AND to LET IT GO!
After the shower, I had to lay down, balled up under the blankets while Ramadin held me. This, too, was hard to even let in because I am so conditioned to being abandoned, or worse, attacked when I am in a vulnerable place like this. My system almost can’t compute that there is someone who wants to hold me through this intensity.
I slept deep and hard. I have been a little bit ungrounded and feeling awkward and slightly disoriented since then. I feel spaciousness inside of myself and it is almost like the rest of me is kind of floating around inside this spaciousness, not quite knowing what is connected and where things fit anymore because so much was released.
I have been kind to myself. Been doing the kind of self care I recommend when working with clients on integrating a big transformational experience. I’ve let myself rest more, given myself cleaner and better food, and been kinder to myself when my mind, body or spirit are not completely back online.
What I’ve noticed since then is that there is more synchronicity, things that were feeling a bit ominous and tenuous are opening up into beautiful possibilities and grounding into more stability. Old limiting ways of being in the world are gone from my system and even more magic is coming in.
This was a humbling experience and I’m so grateful for it. The work I do with Ramadin is profoundly life changing, and it often has this kind of an impact on our clients. They make a big prayer and then . . . they get the BIG healing – cleared out of the things (relationships, careers, possessions, residences, faculties, limitations . . .) that no longer serve. Many times, these are things they’ve been clinging to (sometimes like a life-preserver) thinking it’s what’s saving them, but it’s actually the thing holding them down. From the stuck, afraid vantage point that they are in, it is hard to see anything different that could be better. Once those things are released and that new empty (and sacred) space is held in reserve for everything that aligns with the prayer, then the prayer starts to manifest instantly.
What I am so grateful to realize is that when I don’t try to do it all by myself and trust that my partner, even though my fear says he’s the one who’s causing it, can help me to let go of the limitations that have been holding me back, I can reach new levels of liberation from my old wounds and subsequent fear-based subconscious programs.
My life has never been one of the mundane. The elevation is still a lot of fucking work, but consciously moving through pain and doing the scary work of clearing out the subconscious and cleaning old core wounds leads to a sense of peace and health that is, in my personal experience and opinion, well worth the kick-ass journey.
This work is NOT for everyone. Only the Sacred Rebels, those not satisfied with the status quo, those courageous enough to walk through the fire of their deepest fears for the sake of liberation of the soul.
If you are one of those who has always chosen the path of truth, integrity, and self-liberation over conformity and complacency, we feel you, honor you, and send a prayer your way.
If you would like help moving through the valley of your own shadow from those who have been there and choose to go there time and time again and know how to help you navigate it with ease, grace, and making beauty as you go, we are here for you. Nothing would bring us greater joy than to support you in stepping through to a new level of clarity and liberation from the programming and internalized oppression that gets in there from culture, social norms, former caretaker’s best intentions and the unavoidable pitfalls of being a human (especially right now).
We have a gift for you if you are up for this hero’s journey. You can talk with us for 60 minutes to explore what your Noble Purpose is, what’s holding you back, and what ceremonies, programs and packages we have that can help you to stop losing hours, months or even years to painful repeating patterns. There’s no reason to stay stuck. We’ve been there, broken free, and have helped countless others to do the same. We can help you do it, too.
Times are calling us all to be able to show up with a clear mind, a loving heart, and the courage to do what’s right in the face of so much that is dark and heavy. :: CLICK HERE :: to claim your time with us and fill out an assessment form to help us know how we can best support you on your path.
I’m continuing to explore who I am without these old familiar (though unhelpful) layers. I’d rather be awkwardly flying than confidently crawling.
The path of ascension is full of the old structures that held us together. These are the shadows that need to be composted so that we can lighten our load and live a bigger, more elevated prayer.
Meeting your shadow like this is, once again, NOT a sign of your failure or proof of your lack of value. It is, in fact, proof that you are releasing some old stuff that no longer serves you. Do your eternal Self a favor, and let that shit go and allow yourself the elevation your prayer deserves.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jellaludin Rumi,