The Beauty of Ugly Crying
I used to be ashamed of crying, especially in public. I thought it was ugly. I thought it was weak.
As a kid, I was threatened with something "real" to cry about when tears came up, so I shoved it down deep and learned how to face pain and challenges without feeling sorrow or grief.
I learned to value this ability and saw it as strong. I was impervious. I learned how to stop letting things in that could hurt me. I felt so safe behind the walls. I thought this was the true sign of emotional accomplishment.
Even long after I realized that crying was actually a really helpful thing, and that I did actually have feelings, I couldn't cry. It took a very long time of giving myself permission before I finally felt safe enough to let it go in front of other people.
My grief was one of the last parts of me to be rediscovered and set free, and while these feelings are not "pleasant," I find them so deeply touching, healthy, and life giving. There is a sense of relief even in the sadness, because it is real, and real feels relieving to me. Reality is comforting to me.
Now, I still feel pretty ugly when I cry, but I also feel the beauty of it. I feel deeply vulnerable, but that also feels very strong to me, and in these moments of tapping into my most tender feelings, I feel so alive and even more intimately attuned with Source / everything that is greater than me that wishes me well.
The tearing open brings me deep into relationship with myself, and the Beloved that is the Holy.
I am so grateful to cry now, and I share this most vulnerable and precious gift with you.
If you would like more access to your feelings, let's talk. Schedule some time here >>>
https://amandaeloesh.as.me/sovereignty
If you'd like to connect with a healing way of relating to yourself and others that supports feeling your feelings without holding them back for others, I have a gift for you: Elevationship: Replace Conflict with Greater Intimacy. (https://eloesh.com)
It's a guide to help you to experience every challenge (especially in relationships with others) as an opportunity to get in touch with your feelings (emotional/physical expressions) and do deep healing with them.
May it serve you in your spiritual, emotional, relational journey!