I've had a profound realization about an old pattern that comes up when things are tough. The old pattern goes something like this . . .
I feel myself consumed by the stress (constriction in my heart, all my energy gets drained, and I fall into despair), and then I collapse inside and want to give up.
The collapse into hopelessness and overwhelm comes from a place that believes if I let myself go there, then that will be a signal to . . . God? The Universe? Some Rescuer? That I’ve had enough now, and I can give up and the struggle will be over.
This hasn’t ever worked.
This experience hasn't been able to control the challenges. They haven't magically come to an end just because I feel like I can't take anymore.
During times of initiation, like this, when the challenges just keep coming relentlessly, I collapse, feel sorry for myself, vent to a friend who will reflect to me how amazing I am and then after taking a break (like napping or zoning out on a movie or something similar to escape), I pick myself back up and forge ahead. And I realize . . .
“Well, I guess that wasn’t actually my edge.”
2019 proved to be that way. I had hit after hit that seemed overwhelming and too much to take. To name just a few examples, I lost the home of seven years I'd invested my heart, soul, and business into. I lost my relationship. I was betrayed by someone I thought to be a father figure to me. I lost almost all of my savings. My 6-figure business collapsed. And those are just some of the highlights of disaster that hit last year all within just a couple of short months.
When I'd get to a certain point, something inside would signal "This is all I can take!" and then I would fall apart for the day, but ultimately, I would eventually pick myself up and keep on going, and the hits kept on coming.
I got through it all and landed in a beautiful place that was (as my own personal philosophy and visions had assured me) much better than before things fell apart.
Now 2020 seems like a global echo of my personal 2019 experience (WTF?! Moments all in line, one after the other, testing our capacity to show up with grace and presence).
Focusing on staying in my center, staying in my peace and blissful reverence and gratitude for life will help me much better than collapsing into despair.
This is a new realization. Before I’ve just seen it as me hitting my edge, which is also true, but . . .
I can control where my edges are.
I can decide when (and possibly IF) I collapse into hopelessness and the “just give up” kind of surrender vs. the “trust and let go of the illusion of control” kind of surrender.
When I come to that place of wanting to collapse, it just means I need a little break for some self-care, and experiencing delight/playfulness, so that I can recalibrate myself and re-align with my magic and my power as my guiding star. This has been a really profound and helpful realization.
As I step into this practice I see my Sovereign self expanding and my victim persona fading away.
This realization has come at the same time as a deep inner confidence that has been emerging over the past few weeks. It is a voice from within and without that says . . .
"It doesn't matter who gets elected. It doesn't matter what happens to the economy. It doesn't matter if you get evicted or have a huge turnaround back into success and wealth. Nothing on the outside matters. You are not in control of ANY of that. You are here to be a beacon of light during this dark time, which doesn't rely on things being a certain way to be able to shine. Stay focused on what you're here to do. You are amazing at it. You are an alchemist. You've always turned hard experiences into gifts of gold and you will continue to do so now. You don't have control over what comes your way. You're an alchemist and a healer during a very dark time of transformation . . . "
"You only have control over how you show up. It doesn't matter what's happening 'out there.' What matters is how you respond."
This has been a total game changer.
In each moment, regardless of how I feel, I ask myself "How do I want to show up?" And then I focus on how to give it my best.
Sometimes it's swallowing my pride or my personal preferences and being kind in the face of unkindness, or gracious in the face of chaos. Sometimes, when I realize I don't have the capacity to show up the way I know is most helpful, I have to take a moment to meditate, rest, play, cry, or dance until I am back in my power center and able to go back into the darkness with my own inner light.
I think all light workers are having this same basic experience right now. We have miles to go! There is no giving up or turning back. Only moments of pause to resource ourselves and then get back in the saddle and ride this baby out.
THIS IS WHAT WE SIGNED UP FOR!
If you are feeling a resonance with this, but having a hard time recalibrating and finding your sovereignty, power and grace in the face of so much chaos, please connect with me. My purpose is to help others find their sovereignty and to find their relationship with Source when the human experience brings amnesia and disconnect from our power.
If this all feels familiar, I have a gift for you. My gift to you is a complimentary, no obligation exploration of how I can help you to continue to find your power and shine your light no matter how hard things get.
TRUST ME, you're going to need to master this to ride the next long while like the badass light worker you came here to be.
And until we connect again . . .