It was a beautiful Spring day at Esalen. I’d had a week of cultivating my 6-figure business, and had been basking in the healing waters and landscape of this world renown retreat center, offering my sound healing for a week-long workshop (Eileen Barker & Michael Gelbart: Path of Forgiveness). It was an epic…Read More
This gorgeous looking (and tasting) chilled soup I made up has become such a hit, I just had to share it with you! For those of you who love to follow tight recipes with precise amounts and measurements . . . MOST SINCERE APOLOGIES! This is intuitive cooking! I’m glad I can even remember…Read More
The practice of making offerings to the Holy in any and all forms is a beautiful and foundational practice that awakens great magic. Music, poetry, prayer, words of praise (not for bribery, but for nourishment), and all things made by hand are what little we humans can do to give back just a little crumb…Read More
How do you respond when everything falls apart? Throughout my life, I’ve had multiple experiences where seemingly everything I had put together for myself crumbled in short order. Just before the first one, I got a message from one of my guides that I was going to be just fine, and that I needed to…Read More
Here I am on the Sacred Feminine 13th Freya-Day under a Super New Scorpio Moon and Scorpio Sun. With my moon in Scorpio and my body in a cocoon. My soul so grateful for deeply knowing and loving myself, even as my hardest places arise, I can fully feel them, welcome them into my heart,…Read More
I’ve had a profound realization about an old pattern that comes up when things are tough. The old pattern goes something like this . . .
I feel myself consumed by the stress (constriction in my heart, all my energy gets drained, and I fall into despair), and then I collapse inside and want to give up.
The collapse into hopelessness and overwhelm comes from a place that believes if I let myself go there, then that will be a signal to . . . God? The Universe? Some Rescuer? That I’ve had enough now, and I can give up and the struggle will be over.
This hasn’t ever worked.
This experience hasn’t been able to control the challenges. They haven’t magically come to an end just because I feel like I can’t take anymore.
During times of initiation, like this, when the challenges just keep coming relentlessly, I collapse, feel sorry for myself, vent to a friend who will reflect to me how amazing I am and then after taking a break (like napping or zoning out on a movie or something similar to escape), I pick myself back up and forge ahead. And I realize . . .
“Well, I guess that wasn’t actually my edge.”
2019 proved to be that way. I had hit after hit that seemed overwhelming and too much to take. To name just a few examples, I lost the home of seven years I’d invested my heart, soul, and business into. I lost my relationship. I was betrayed by someone I thought to be a father figure to me. I lost almost all of my savings. My 6-figure business collapsed. And those are just some of the highlights of disaster that hit last year all within just a couple of short months.
When I’d get to a certain point, something inside would signal “This is all I can take!” and then I would fall apart for the day, but ultimately, I would eventually pick myself up and keep on going, and the hits kept on coming.
I got through it all and landed in a beautiful place that was (as my own personal philosophy and visions had assured me) much better than before things fell apart.
Now 2020 seems like a global echo of my personal 2019 experience (WTF?! Moments all in line, one after the other, testing our capacity to show up with grace and presence).
Focusing on staying in my center, staying in my peace and blissful reverence and gratitude for life will help me much better than collapsing into despair.
This is a new realization. Before I’ve just seen it as me hitting my edge, which is also true, but . . .
I can control where my edges are.
I can decide when (and possibly IF) I collapse into hopelessness and the “just give up” kind of surrender vs. the “trust and let go of the illusion of control” kind of surrender.
When I come to that place of wanting to collapse, it just means I need a little break for some self-care, and experiencing delight/playfulness, so that I can recalibrate myself and re-align with my magic and my power as my guiding star. This has been a really profound and helpful realization.
As I step into this practice I see my Sovereign self expanding and my victim persona fading away.
This realization has come at the same time as a deep inner confidence that has been emerging over the past few weeks. It is a voice from within and without that says . . .
“It doesn’t matter who gets elected. It doesn’t matter what happens to the economy. It doesn’t matter if you get evicted or have a huge turnaround back into success and wealth. Nothing on the outside matters. You are not in control of ANY of that. You are here to be a beacon of light during this dark time, which doesn’t rely on things being a certain way to be able to shine. Stay focused on what you’re here to do. You are amazing at it. You are an alchemist. You’ve always turned hard experiences into gifts of gold and you will continue to do so now. You don’t have control over what comes your way. You’re an alchemist and a healer during a very dark time of transformation . . . ”
“You only have control over how you show up. It doesn’t matter what’s happening ‘out there.’ What matters is how you respond.”
This has been a total game changer.
In each moment, regardless of how I feel, I ask myself “How do I want to show up?” And then I focus on how to give it my best.
Sometimes it’s swallowing my pride or my personal preferences and being kind in the face of unkindness, or gracious in the face of chaos. Sometimes, when I realize I don’t have the capacity to show up the way I know is most helpful, I have to take a moment to meditate, rest, play, cry, or dance until I am back in my power center and able to go back into the darkness with my own inner light.
I think all light workers are having this same basic experience right now. We have miles to go! There is no giving up or turning back. Only moments of pause to resource ourselves and then get back in the saddle and ride this baby out.
THIS IS WHAT WE SIGNED UP FOR!
If you are feeling a resonance with this, but having a hard time recalibrating and finding your sovereignty, power and grace in the face of so much chaos, please connect with me. My purpose is to help others find their sovereignty and to find their relationship with Source when the human experience brings amnesia and disconnect from our power.
If this all feels familiar, I have a gift for you. My gift to you is a complimentary, no obligation exploration of how I can help you to continue to find your power and shine your light no matter how hard things get.
TRUST ME, you’re going to need to master this to ride the next long while like the badass light worker you came here to be.
:: CLICK HERE :: to claim that free exploration with me.
And until we connect again . . .
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At the end of this month, I will have spent 6 months of my life connecting, deepening and building the life of my prayers with my beloved, Ramadin. In some ways it feels like lifetimes because there is so much that feels solid, grounded, and deeply rooted. I almost can’t imagine (and honestly don’t particularly…Read More
Admitting to ourselves that we could have a better life is hard sometimes – especially if we have a “not good enough” wound. That realization sits right on that wound a pours the salt in generously. The the realization that we have to go in and feel all the feelings in order to heal them and let them go can feel like too much to take on. It’s easier to just sink back into the denial and the old coping mechanisms and hope that someone or something else will offer a quicker, easier relief.Read More
First off, I’ll say that I’m facing this one myself, so I’m speaking from personal experience as the arrogant ingrate. And I see it all around me. It’s heartbreaking that this painful trauma program can create such a paradoxical reality, and so I thought I would break it down a bit. Maybe you’ll see yourself…Read More
My Healing with the Masculine The Sacred Mythology of Fox Medicine As I dive into deep healing of the wounding I have been engaged with over my relationship with the masculine, I ask, “What is the evolution of this painful story?” The only way to heal is to allow a vision of an elevation to…Read More