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My Prayer for Sovereignty

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

Here I am on the Sacred Feminine 13th Freya-Day under a Super New Scorpio Moon and Scorpio Sun. With my moon in Scorpio and my body in a cocoon. My soul so grateful for deeply knowing and loving myself, even as my hardest places arise, I can fully feel them, welcome them into my heart, and find a place of loving kindness within.

 

SO many wounds coming up to be healed. So many places that were projected upon that were harmful. And I have let them take precedence over the majesty and sacredness of my own sense of myself.

 

What a blessing when I finally allowed myself to see this for the first time. I have had to come back to it many times. So many opportunities to get lost in the hard reflections of others. What a blessing to have been on this journey, somehow innately knowing that inside of myself there is gold that I can rely on.

 

Almost lost in the projections and conditioning.

I’m not sure if there is anything more painful that I have experienced in my life than secretive judgments of beloveds. Especially lovers who literally put themselves inside of me. Shadowy judgments and projections that have lodged themselves into my empathic psychic body and then my physical body, and then become the fodder for future beloveds to judge and then it starts all over again.

As a human built to be the sacred feminine chalice, the receiver of the sacred masculine, I am not sure there is anything more painful than allowing that deep intimacy and being given such sharp and poisonous sacrament hidden inside of and tangled up with love.

Of course it was almost always with consent. And it was conditioned to please. It was conditioned to receive. It was conditioned to be like Jesus. Compassionate and forgiving. And completely without any wisdom about how to HONOR it in the sacred feminine way. Only instructions: JUST DON’T. Your body. Your pleasure. They aren’t yours to enjoy. You are here to serve.

[And let me just assure you as you, start to interject here that there was conditioning of the sacred masculine as well.

I KNOW.

I know we are all waking up together (HOPEFULLY). It is my fucking compassion and understanding that has made it such a slippery slope to find my actual edges and boundaries and say, “Um, I’m actually not Jesus and I am at my capacity for tolerating any more of your wounding at this personal level. I am not your healer. I am not your servant.

I am a GOT THIS, but not for you. I am a GOT THIS for the Holy and my Self.”]

There have been so many excruciating layers, generational and beyond, personal and impersonal, simply from being a woman with so many sisters with the same wounds. So many to heal.

I started it as a victim. I am not interested in that narrative for myself. I am owning my sovereignty. As a Sovereigness. I take full accountability for each and every one of my decisions. They have become more and more conscious with each breath. I have no regrets.

And it feels important to name the full cycle and full circle of this healing.

So as I step into my Sovereigness, I am weaving in this sacred 13th Goddess, Got This day being able to feel the full honoring potency of the wounds that have shaped me. I embrace them. They embrace me.

I am awakening within me the Virgin. Not the virgin of the Western world, but the true Virgin, who is sovereign in her body and in her sexuality. She is free from the projections, the “should’s,” and the judgments of others about her choices. I am reclaiming my inalienable ownership of this sacred vessel. I take it back from the crumbling power of judgment.

I claim the remembrance of how to detect the presence of poison before it enters my body.

I forgive myself for the uninformed conscious, sacred choices I have made in the past based in loving kindness, trust, and true innocence.

It is such a precious thing, innocence. I reclaim it for myself. No one has permission to take that from me or anyone else in my world.

Wow. What a potent birthing of myself through words. So powerful. So helpful.

Thank you, sacred Self and Everything that is Greater than me that Wishes me Well, for helping me to have this profound birthing. Still unfurling. But already so helpful and life-giving.

I forgive myself for giving myself away, thinking I had to trade it for survival. I forgive myself for letting the ignorant judgments of others who create and feed into the wounding that they judge, override my own sense of self-worth.

I know they are only doing what they’ve been programmed to do. I claim my sovereignty in my choices.

I claim and take back my power. I reclaim myself through time and space. All of me belongs to me. None of it is shameful. All of it is sacred.

Whatever piece of me, my body, my time, my money, my attention that is offered is only to that which receives it with respect. Whatever I receive from outside of myself, I commit to receive with respect.

I’m so immensely grateful for this prayer. It has swirled through in many ways, so many times, but today, in the sacred feminine cocoon of the frequency and tone of “Got This,” it lands into English words that I can feel inside of me as I speak, even just as I type it and watch it flow from my fingers onto a digital screen, it is magic. This is the spell I cast for myself and everyone else who cares to join me.

My mission in this lifetime is to help as many people as possible to access their inalienable sovereignty. I’m glad to know that my primary client is myself.

What an immense moment. What a precious moment.

Thank you, sacred witnesses for sharing this sacred moment of birthing myself.

Mitakuye Oyasin

 

So, yah, just another day along the 2020 path of transformation.

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Feeling Masterful or Overwhelmed?

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

Quantum leap from overwhelm to mastery with one simple mind shift.

CROPPED Rough Draft Alchemical Goddess by Adrianne
(unfinished) Image by Adrianne Tamar Arachne

Today has been full of potent transmissions.

 

I just returned from visiting my sweet Mama in Southern Utah, where she was born and raised, to celebrate her 90th birthday! It was a deeply nourishing and powerful experience.

 

Today, as I put my body back together from the hours in planes and cars and being with the loved ones, this transmission came through.

 

I felt deeply nourished by it, and thought you might enjoy it too.

 

The first thing that happened was that I was reminded of a powerful message that came through over a year and a half ago . . .

 

You are in a powerful time of transformation. This prayer is already in Sacred Motion. There is nothing you need to do to MAKE it happen. Your only invitation is to soften, and allow, and witness the unfolding of this Divine Plan.

 

That message carried me through my own personal apocalypse back then, and it continues to resurface to remind me that the Sacred Motion of the Divine Plan is still unfolding. I’ve already made my prayer and agreements for why I am here in this particular body, in this particular life, at this particular time.

 

I know what I am here to do. I am here to help people access their own deep personal relationship to Source so that each of you can also know your unique Divine Plan and get the guidance to show up to it in a good way.

Today, as I have pondered the challenges that have arisen for me, financial in particular, this is what came through that wants to be shared.

 

Don’t believe that having trauma or disaster in your life is proof that you are damaged or stuck.

We have all inherited the task of cleaning up the messes made before us.

 

We are all being called to action. The most capable are being called to even more action.

Some of us know how to elevate it.

Some of us are still becoming overwhelmed by our own past traumas & conditioning. Trying to do anything from this hard and challenging state will generate more of the same.

 

Hurt people hurt people. Healing people heal people.

 

Some days those who were masterful will need help getting out of overwhelm from their wounds. Some days, those in overwhelm will be masterful in their response to the dissolution taking place right now.

We are not quite yet in rebuild mode. There are still many structures and pieces that need to be composted and transformed. Many of them are things that you really like.

 

Can you meet your calling with an open loving heart yet? Not just your intention but your actions?

 

Are you in joy? Or are you in complaint?

Are you generating peace? Or something else?

 

Don’t get lost in blame. That is a distraction from what lies in front of you that you can change. Focus on what you can do with an open loving heart. Focus on what you can do that generates health, kindness, and peace (or whatever other awesome thing that brings you life).

If you see something you do not like, either step up and take sovereign responsibility to make it better, or release judgment about it not being to your preference (better yet, do BOTH!).

If you don’t know how to make it better, it isn’t your business. Ask for help if it needs attention.

Focus on what you CAN do, not on what others cannot.

Complaint is a symptom of a subconscious program that is disempowered. There is no complaint when you are truly Sovereign.

 

 

So, that is what’s driving my ship today.

 

May it serve you and your journey to sovereignty!

 

If you are curious about accessing and truly embodying your inner Sovereigness, and learning how to show up masterfully during these intense times, you are invited to my ½ day womxn’s online circle ~ Sunday, November 8th, 11am-3pm

Priestess Passes start at just $33 (but are limited, so get yours now!)

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Beyond Overwhelm: Shining your light in times of relentless darkness

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.
Amanda Bowl looking down

I’ve had a profound realization about an old pattern that comes up when things are tough. The old pattern goes something like this . . .

I feel myself consumed by the stress (constriction in my heart, all my energy gets drained, and I fall into despair), and then I collapse inside and want to give up.

The collapse into hopelessness and overwhelm comes from a place that believes if I let myself go there, then that will be a signal to . . . God? The Universe? Some Rescuer? That I’ve had enough now, and I can give up and the struggle will be over.

This hasn’t ever worked.

This experience hasn’t been able to control the challenges. They haven’t magically come to an end just because I feel like I can’t take anymore.

During times of initiation, like this, when the challenges just keep coming relentlessly, I collapse, feel sorry for myself, vent to a friend who will reflect to me how amazing I am and then after taking a break (like napping or zoning out on a movie or something similar to escape), I pick myself back up and forge ahead. And I realize . . .

“Well, I guess that wasn’t actually my edge.”

2019 proved to be that way. I had hit after hit that seemed overwhelming and too much to take. To name just a few examples, I lost the home of seven years I’d invested my heart, soul, and business into. I lost my relationship. I was betrayed by someone I thought to be a father figure to me. I lost almost all of my savings. My 6-figure business collapsed. And those are just some of the highlights of disaster that hit last year all within just a couple of short months.

When I’d get to a certain point, something inside would signal “This is all I can take!” and then I would fall apart for the day, but ultimately, I would eventually pick myself up and keep on going, and the hits kept on coming.

I got through it all and landed in a beautiful place that was (as my own personal philosophy and visions had assured me) much better than before things fell apart.

Now 2020 seems like a global echo of my personal 2019 experience (WTF?! Moments all in line, one after the other, testing our capacity to show up with grace and presence).

Focusing on staying in my center, staying in my peace and blissful reverence and gratitude for life will help me much better than collapsing into despair.

This is a new realization. Before I’ve just seen it as me hitting my edge, which is also true, but . . .

I can control where my edges are.

I can decide when (and possibly IF) I collapse into hopelessness and the “just give up” kind of surrender vs. the “trust and let go of the illusion of control” kind of surrender.

When I come to that place of wanting to collapse, it just means I need a little break for some self-care, and experiencing delight/playfulness, so that I can recalibrate myself and re-align with my magic and my power as my guiding star. This has been a really profound and helpful realization.

As I step into this practice I see my Sovereign self expanding and my victim persona fading away.

This realization has come at the same time as a deep inner confidence that has been emerging over the past few weeks. It is a voice from within and without that says . . .

“It doesn’t matter who gets elected. It doesn’t matter what happens to the economy. It doesn’t matter if you get evicted or have a huge turnaround back into success and wealth. Nothing on the outside matters. You are not in control of ANY of that. You are here to be a beacon of light during this dark time, which doesn’t rely on things being a certain way to be able to shine. Stay focused on what you’re here to do. You are amazing at it. You are an alchemist. You’ve always turned hard experiences into gifts of gold and you will continue to do so now. You don’t have control over what comes your way. You’re an alchemist and a healer during a very dark time of transformation . . . “

“You only have control over how you show up. It doesn’t matter what’s happening ‘out there.’ What matters is how you respond.”

AEloesh-0052

This has been a total game changer.

In each moment, regardless of how I feel, I ask myself “How do I want to show up?” And then I focus on how to give it my best.

Sometimes it’s swallowing my pride or my personal preferences and being kind in the face of unkindness, or gracious in the face of chaos. Sometimes, when I realize I don’t have the capacity to show up the way I know is most helpful, I have to take a moment to meditate, rest, play, cry, or dance until I am back in my power center and able to go back into the darkness with my own inner light.

I think all light workers are having this same basic experience right now. We have miles to go! There is no giving up or turning back. Only moments of pause to resource ourselves and then get back in the saddle and ride this baby out.

THIS IS WHAT WE SIGNED UP FOR!

If you are feeling a resonance with this, but having a hard time recalibrating and finding your sovereignty, power and grace in the face of so much chaos, please connect with me. My purpose is to help others find their sovereignty and to find their relationship with Source when the human experience brings amnesia and disconnect from our power.

If this all feels familiar, I have a gift for you. My gift to you is a complimentary, no obligation exploration of how I can help you to continue to find your power and shine your light no matter how hard things get.

TRUST ME, you’re going to need to master this to ride the next long while like the badass light worker you came here to be.

:: CLICK HERE :: to claim that free exploration with me.

And until we connect again . . .

May the Source be with you!

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Woman hands at heart

A Response to Ridicule

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

It was one of the first warm days of spring, and I was with my second grade class at recess. At the tender age of just eight years old, I had already started going through puberty. Not only was I a full head and shoulders taller than my classmates, I thought differently, (getting “Source” messages and seeing the world through my 3rd eye), and now I was going through a  metamorphosis. It often felt like I was the main character in a Kafka novel. So, I already knew I didn’t fit in. “Weird” was commonly used to describe me, sometimes even by well-meaning people who loved me.

Timmy Loveless (perfect name, right?) pointed to my chest and said “You have boobies!” and laughed and then, soon, I was at the center of a circle of my classmates pointing and laughing. I wanted to curl up and die. I wanted to disappear. Forty years later, I still am unwrapping the “just disappear” response from my system.

Ridicule. It is possibly one of the most painful experiences we can face as humans. Most likely, it is what keeps us from stepping beyond our comfort zones, doing something our heart tells us because it may draw someone else’s harsh judgment.

I’ve heard many modern priestesses and “witchy” women talk about “the burning times,” acknowledging that the Sacred Feminine went underground because it was unsafe to stand in that power. “BUT,” they say, “the burning times are over!” Are they really?

Are “the burning times” really over?

Social media has become like a septic tank. Disconnected, stressed out, overwhelmed people are turning to it for so many reasons, and one of them seems to be dumping, without too much consequence, toxic emotions. It’s like road rage, except on steroids, and though you don’t run the risk of a car accident, there are harmful outcomes.

Being ridiculed (or even being seen as imperfect) used to be one of my worst fears that induced anxiety. My vulnerable “not good enough” wounding was already on hyper-alert, so not meeting the approval of my family or peers felt like death, and this is the deep psychological fear that gets activated with ridicule. Not so long ago, we relied on our tribe’s acceptance of us for survival. Banishing someone was, in actuality, a death sentence, and our DNA hasn’t really forgotten this.

In our bones there is a sense that if we are ridiculed, we will be outcast and die.

Based on what I have experienced for myself and supported hundreds of clients and friends through, it seems like there are a lot of ways that we, (especially womxn, and even more especially, BIPOC womxn), have shut down our voices, denied our authentic self-expression, kept ourselves from speaking up and speaking out, and not been willing to step into, fully own, and shine our power, wisdom, and gifts in the world because deep down, we can feel that . . .

the burning times haven’t ended, they’ve just evolved into trolls and toxic feeding frenzies.

Not so long ago, having ANYONE, even someone who didn’t know me, reflect something unkind felt devastating. It would get me right in that old wounding of “not good enough,” and it would take quite a bit of deep personal work to metabolize it so that I did not pass on the harm, or even return it to the sender.

In my commitment, as a leader, to be a safer person and a better ally, I have been in on-going process to release old programs that are unhealthy. Patriarchal, colonial, capitalist, “American,” human . . . Doing this deep inner work has allowed me to, more easily, stand in the face of someone else’s ridicule and respond so as to generate, or at lease open the door to, kindness, connection, and healing.

I was really blessed, recently, to have an opportunity to witness and heal that fear of ridicule even more fully . . . by having quite a bit of it coming at me. (Honestly, I think we’re literally not doing it “right” . . . at least according to the algorithms that run our social media show, if we’re not making someone angry.)

I was pleasantly surprised to find no response of defense, no self-protection, no upset, fear, or anxiety (which would have all been creating a knot deep in my stomach not so long ago). Instead, I found myself experiencing deep understanding, compassion, and loving kindness.

At first, I tried to respond with equanimity, but then realized there was a feeding frenzy going on and it was stirring up a lot of shit. I personally enjoyed many of the comments and found some of them amusing in many ways on the same level they were intended, and I realized that the “amusement” of others was based in anger and resentment and I knew I needed to take some space and not feed into it.

So, I sat with it; continued to just feel compassionate understanding, but no words, until I did my deep Sacred Feminine practice. It came to me what to say in response to all of the hateful and attacking things coming at me. Here’s what I wrote:

“First, I acknowledge and fully understand why and how you have the intense reactions and feelings you do about my post. There’s a lot of f’d up exploitation that feels intolerable and heart-breaking in me, too. No one with a heart or a conscience can witness what is happening right now without breaking inside. I understand your anger and judgment.

Thank you for releasing so much of your justified anger for me to be with. I feel no harm and make a commitment to not pass it on to anyone else or pass it back to you. Your anger is welcome here.

We are committed to create safe and sacred spaces for our diverse community to learn, heal, and grow together, because we value the potency and necessity of people from many different paths coming together to create a new reality, free from the divisiveness that we know our technocracy and social dilemmedia are conditioning us to recreate.

Please forgive me for not taking the time to read all of the comments. In fact, once I saw the general flavor of things, I stopped responding and very soon after that, stopped reading them altogether.

I’m heartbroken and most deeply and humbly ask for your forgiveness for any part of me that represents the violence, oppression, willful destruction, exploitation of, ugliness towards, unkindness, harmful action or deed against you or any of your ancestors, or relations.

I am committed to trade in my privilege for justice and peace and learning how to be a better ally to everyone.

Please forgive me for any way my actions, words, or behaviors have activated the ancestral or current trauma you face every day.

My prayer is that you find peace, ease, and comfort from the pain these unjust traumas have brought to you, and that I may play some small part in making that peace, ease, and comfort more accessible to you. Please let me know how I may assist that.

My devotion is to this mission: to create safe and sacred spaces for our diverse community to learn, heal, and grow, together. Our prayer, as a community, is for everyone to access their sovereignty and no longer fall subject to the oppression of anyone for any reason.

Our commitment is to engage with loving kindness and compassionate curiosity.

If you are willing to meet me in a place of loving kindness and compassionate curiosity, then I would be honored and delighted to respond to and answer to anything you need or want answered.

All who come in a good way are welcome.

If you are committed to generate more hate, anger, or divisiveness . . . I will graciously decline further dialogue.

Regardless of how you choose to move forward with this thread, I have only kind thoughts towards you, and pray for the health and well being of you and your relations.

May you thrive in peace and joy.”

There have been no further comments.

Shaming, mockery, and humiliation are all tools used by oppressors to dehumanize people, which facilitates atrocities against other human beings.

Creating a culture that embraces dignity, respect, and honoring basic human decency for all (maybe even going so far as to also be compassionate towards others who are different than us) is the only way to disallow inhumane realities for our human family.

What kind of culture are you feeding and growing? Are you indulging your personal pain by expressing it in unkind ways? If so, you are part of the problem. Your beliefs don’t make you better than anyone else. Your social status doesn’t make you more valuable. Clever words are not a cure. If there is anything that can actually set us apart as some sort of positive example, it is our behavior. How we act creates powerful reactions. Hateful, violent acts seem to generate more of the same. Loving kindness can stop immense toxicity in its tracks.

I would like to invite all who are called to take a stand for bringing kindness back, a reverence for life, human and otherwise. We are all so very quick to judge 45 for his toxic attacks, but if we’re involved in the same basic behavior, we have bought in to the whole program and are regenerating it and helping it to take over our humanity.

It’s really fucking hard to stop, take a deep breath, and choose the path of loving kindness in the face of so much pain, suffering, anger, fear, and ridicule. But this is the path of the true Sacred Rebel Priest:ess.

Stand in your truth, speak your truth, and meet all who come your way with reverence and an invitation to bring hard thoughts and feelings out of the shadows and into a sacred light that awakens our ability to live in peace amidst diversity. If we can’t master, or even just VALUE this, our days are truly numbered.

I have MILES to go in this quest to meet toxicity with an open heart and mind, but I know that the more of us who commit to learning how to be love Djedis, the better chance we have of healing what has been creating so much destruction and suffering in our world.

Will you join me?

“I commit to showing up with loving kindness for all I encounter.”

If you’re interested in being a part of a community committed to Loving Kindness and creating connection through learning, healing, and growing within diversity, please reach out. We’re here for you.

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An Invitation for Well-Meaning Men

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

Invitation for Well-Meaning Men

TRIGGER WARNING: Murder & Calling our brothers in for self-reflection.

 

There’s been a relationship dynamic that has emerged for me over the past few months. It is a quality that I’ve witnessed in many people, including myself, however, it seems to be pervasive and particularly powerful (and unapologetically expressed) in white men.

 

This week has been filled with an intense amount of emotional tenderness over traumas I’ve moved through in relationship to men who have been taught that their will and desire is the law of the land, and have been taught the value of dominance over reverence.

 

First I want to say that the men I’ve witnessed this dynamic in have a lot of really great qualities. I’ve seen a lot of helpfulness and generosity, and there’s even been elements of protectiveness and stepping in as providers. The toxic problem rears its ugly head when there is ANY request to reflect on behavior that may be (even unconsciously) having a negative impact on someone else (especially female identified beings).

 

There seems to be an idea, and I’ll stress again that I have seen it in LOTS of humans, myself included, but most pervasively, unapologetically defended, and toxically in white men, and this idea is that if you do a lot of really nice things, then that alleviates you from taking accountability for harm (even unintentional) you may be causing for someone else.

 

The request to look at this dynamic ended my last relationship swiftly and my simple request to acknowledge the impacts was met with a quick exit. The dynamic has come up in a male relative who has chosen to avoid a real healing moment by just sending some nice messages instead of actually acknowledging some toxic behavior.

 

This dynamic just arose again with a male “friend,” who had done, again, some really nice things, but then violated some boundaries. When I started to speak about the boundaries, there was an instant denial, minimizing, and now, several days later, I have received a lengthy diatribe that is toxic and attacking.

 

For me, personally, it touches on the traumas I’ve experienced since I was a child. A dominating father who always had to be right, and who imposed extreme punishments for the great sin of having a voice and speaking up for what I felt to be right. At thirteen, my mom’s sister was murdered by her husband, which was an even deeper message about the very real threat of going against the opinions of the “man of the house.”

 

I know that there are a lot of old pressures put on men from the past, and now the present, to show up in ways that are intense and even traumatizing. The same is true for women, and people of color, (well, people of color get this in spades, don’t they)? We as humans are all waking up from old, unhealthy expectations and pressures to be a certain way and prove ourselves in certain ways.

 

We’ve all learned unhealthy and inaccurate ways of proving ourselves and perceiving and engaging with others who are different from us.

 

We all need to be willing to take in the reflections from others when we are having an impact that we don’t intend. Most harm, I believe, is unintentional, but the harm will continue if it is met with denial, deflection, and diminishing the voice of the one who is asking for a change.

 

The biggest defense that has come up to me from the “harming” men in my life is “I have done all of these things for you! You must be ungrateful to accuse me of doing something ‘bad,’ when I’ve done so many nice things for you.”

 

MEN: YOUR GOOD DEEDS DON’T EXCUSE YOU FROM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HARM YOU CAUSE.

 

The “bread winner” doesn’t have permission to abuse his partner and children. The helpful friend doesn’t have permission to break boundaries.

 

Your harmful behavior doesn’t make you a bad person, and your good behavior doesn’t absolve you from the responsibilities of accounting for your harmful behavior.

 

I’ve really applied the pain from this toxic dynamic to myself as a white person. It doesn’t matter how many helpful or good things I may have done or be in the process of doing. If I create harm for a person of color, I still need to clean that shit up. It doesn’t make me a bad person; it makes me a human. The “badness” only comes in if I deny the harm based on my good intent and fail to grow and see where I am having a harmful impact.

 

MEN: You have been taught a LOT of fucked up things about the world. Some of those things you may not even realize you’ve been taught. Some of those things you may not even realize have become integrated into your thoughts, feelings, and justifications for your actions towards others. It is there. If you want to truly be a safe person, be willing to accept when someone, especially a woman or a person of color, shares with you that you have done something that needs some clean-up. Not intending to cause that harm is not the same as not causing harm.

 

Jeff Wright, the president of Medicine Path Native American Church says “Having a good excuse to behave badly is not the same as behaving well.”

 

Not intending to cause harm, and not realizing you’ve caused harm are not the same as not causing harm. You will never be able to grow into being a more safe human if you meet each reflection that includes a request for a shift in perspective and behavior with denial.

 

You may not mean it, men, but the message and impact you send when you deny your harmful impact is to shut down the voice of someone who has less privilege than you, which also sends a message that they are not valuable and their experience doesn’t matter.

 

The men who have recently caused harm and been in denial have activated in me a deep and tender vulnerable place. This week has been filled with tears. So many tears. And exhaustion. The trauma from the abuse as a child, and the subconscious message that men are out to literally kill the women they love . . . it’s all up in my face right now (or more accurately, my heart). The good news is, I know how to allow this to be a healing experience, even though it is just me in the dynamic to do the healing with (because the men have run away or proven to be unsafe and unavailable for actual healing), that is the most important focus. The message “men are not safe,” has been swirling through my mind, my emotions, and my body. I am doing my best to love it and let it go. I deeply desire, and need to feel safe with the masculine. I have beautiful brothers around me who are kind, loving, helpful . . . and because of the pervasive pattern, there is a deep voice in me I want to heal that says “If you go deep enough, that ugliness will rear its ugly head.” I pray to heal that up.

 

No one is responsible for healing my trauma from the past except for me. The intense feelings are so tender because of my past, and I acknowledge that. I’m not even angry at the former partner(s) and this most recent male acquaintance who can’t see what impact they are having on others, but I am fucking tired of seeing it happen over and over again. It rips me open and wears me out.

 

If someone says “I was hurt by something you did,” please do your best to be compassionate and curious to hear what they have to say. You are not being accused of being a “bad” person. You are being asked to be a safe person by learning about how you have played a role in causing harm.

 

I know the tendency to self-protect when faced with a situation where someone was harmed by something I did. It’s hard to hear. I consider myself a kind, loving, considerate person and it feels painful to learn that my good intentions have not only missed the mark, but have caused unintended damage. The only way to make it all feel better is to have the courage to soften and open and say “I’m sorry,” and “What can I do to make it better?” and then DO what it takes to make it better.

 

This has been welling up inside of me for days, and I pray that it creates some helpful expansion of thoughts, opening of perspectives, and softening of hearts.

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3 Things You Need to Do Right Now for Best Outcomes

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

For the longest time you’ve been saying “If I could just unplug from my daily grind I’d finally _________________.”

And now we have a complete planetary pause happening and what are you doing? Binging on your Netflix list? Really?

I know there are all sorts of reasons to be freaking out, and I’m not saying that what is facing us right now isn’t serious. It’s a global pandemic for goodness sake! It’s really serious. BUT it holds within it many opportunities.

Imagine someone with a big plan. Maybe it’s a huge complex that has co-working offices, businesses, health and wellness services, food services, sports facility . . . it’s a whole community center. There’s a vision behind it. So much goes into planning it out. The needs of the people, costs, flow of traffic, hours of operation . . .

And then, as time goes by, the community shifts and evolves and one day that amazing complex that housed “the future” doesn’t really fit people’s needs anymore. What happens?

It is taken apart and something new is created that provides a better structure for the new needs of the community.

Our lives are like this, too. Every time we go through a wipe-out (relationship, finances, career, health . . .) it’s an outwardly unavoidable message that the structures set up to support our life is no longer able to hold the evolution of our needs and our Noble Purpose.

Just last year, I was living within a structure that felt like exactly what I’d prayed for . . . except that I was also (and still am) asking “Please, Creator, show me the elevation for my life.” You see, like most people, I like growth and improvement. I want to serve more, be a better human, live more sustainably, experience and offer greater love . . . and that’s what I got. I got an answer to that prayer.

Everything fell apart. First it was my business and finances – that went somewhat slowly. Then it was my living circumstances. The beautiful retreat center I’d dedicated my life to developing and building my life’s work within was going away. Then it was my partnership. All gone within a matter of just a couple of months.

Yes, for a day or so my nervous system went into shock. Fortunately, it wasn’t my first Kali Etch-A-Sketch shake down (Imagine the Goddess of Birth, Life, and Death shaking the shit out of everything like an Etch-A-Sketch until all you have is a blank slate – that was my life last year). No, it wasn’t the first time I’d gone through a total life make-over. In fact, it was my third.

The first one came when my husband became addicted to methamphetamines. He became a threat to me, making it impossible to live in the home I was solely paying for, and he destroyed most of our belongings and literally turned some of it into toxic waste, which cost a small fortune to clean up and remove. I was devastated. That was 17 years ago.

The second life make-over came just as I was starting to regain my health and strength after two months in bed with mononucleosis. I had been providing all of the practical support in my partnership and he was providing all of the financial support. An incredibly painful and deeply wounding betrayal ended that relationship (which I thought was heading for marriage) and all of my income with it.

So, last year, as things started to fall away swiftly, one-by-one, I knew that I was gonna get my ass kicked, but I also knew it wasn’t a punishment. I knew it was Everything that is Greater than me that wishes me well saying it was time for an upgrade.

If you haven’t gone through it yourself, you know someone who has . . . some sort of remodeling. A bathroom, a kitchen . . . even when it’s planned and desired, it’s still a major pain in the ass. When it’s unplanned and involves a make-over of your whole life, it’s some serious business to navigate. It’s not to be taken lightly, but what I’ve learned (after three major transformations and helping countless clients to navigate their own personal crises and unexpected shifts) is that all of it is working on our behalf.

The only problem is that we don’t recognize that, or we don’t trust it, and we fight tooth and nail to try to hold on to what is falling apart. We scramble to put old broken pieces together, and we cling to the sinking ship that is headed down fast. That doesn’t facilitate much of an upgrade. What we’re left with in these circumstances is a lot of loss, grief, and regret.

My whole life’s work (since I was 11 years old, in fact) has lead me on a journey of exploring and understanding our ability to navigate life’s unexpected shifts and how to manifest the miraculous (or at least the previously unimaginable happiness). I’ve been pretty good at it (and had some pretty outstanding opportunities to walk my talk) and early on (just at the beginning of my first major wipe-out – I mean upgrade) Creator invited me to look at how I got through it all so that maybe I could find a way to help others navigate crazy shit and come out on top too.

At first I was really skeptical because we all have different resources, life circumstances, goals, gifts, challenges and different life paths, but what I witnessed and then put into action started to really help people.

I’ve been able to navigate some crazy shit and come out the other side not only blessed but without regrets. I have friends who have witnessed me in these hard times and have reflected that there is something very special and magical about my ability to move through with ease and come out of tragedy with gold.

It’s been 17 years since I got that invitation to see if I could apply what I was doing to help others to go through unexpected upsets and come out on top, and I’m incredibly fortunate to say that I’ve been able to help countless people to upgrade their lives, to navigate hard times, and to find the gold that is hidden inside of every tough experience.

Now we, as a planetary community, are going through a potent time of restructuring. Regardless of what you believe about the coronavirus, you could also imagine that it is a gift. This is an opportunity to watch the pieces of your life – your (false) sense of  security, your unsustainable ways, your business, your relationships, everything – come apart and to TUNE IN to what the elevation is that’s trying to come through.

It’s always much easier to say and write down than to actually do, so I’ll say that if what I’m sharing sounds good, but you’re not able to really implement it, I’m here to help you. In fact, during the next month, I’ll be offering some of my online services at a discount to help those of you who want the extra support to get it. :: CLICK HERE :: to fill out an assessment and schedule some time to talk with me about how I can support you in having a better reality NOW.

For those of you who simply need a reminder and a little bit of confirmation . . . here are the 3 most important things you can be doing right now to help you navigate these crazy times and come out on top.

  1. Stay Curious about what gifts may be hidden here for you. What opportunities are available to you now that weren’t there when things were “business as usual?” This time is precious and what you seed now will grow and become your new reality. Avoiding your fear with distracting entertainment is wasting this precious opportunity to be inspired on how you can be, think, and do better for yourself.
  2. Take Care of Yourself. You can’t get a very elevated perspective or discover very helpful new solutions if your body, mind, and spirit are swamped in anxiety and overwhelm. Find ways to help your nervous system to calm down (I have a BUNCH of free resources to help you so connect with me if you need some ideas) :: CLICK HERE :: to discover some of my most valuable transmissions.
  3. Stay Connected. Even though we have to have physical distance, there are many ways to make sure we’re not getting lost in isolation. Isolation magnifies the challenges. Together we are strong and we can do much more than the sum of our parts, so reach out (Again, my community and I will be doing a bunch of free online events, so connect with me :: BY CLIKING HERE :: to join our mailing list and get updates on what’s coming up for you.)

The big life upsets bring the most valuable gifts precisely because we would NEVER sign up for them, never willingly create the circumstances that surround them. Don’t let the immense treasures that lie in front of you go to waste because they’re wrapped in unattractive packages!

Don’t let the immediate need to quell your anxiety suck you into endless online entertainment. This moment, HOPEFULLY, won’t come around again any time soon. So work it for all it’s worth!

On the other side of this transformation, you could have traded in your many scurrying legs for a beautiful set of wings.

Until we can connect again my friend, may the Source be with you!

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Love in the Time of Coronavirus

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

On Valentine’s Day, 2003, I was in a courtroom I often appeared in to testify as a Child Welfare Worker, in front of a judge I had often spoken to about the welfare of the families I was serving in Marin County for the Department of Child and Family Services. But on this day, I was not there representing the county. I was there representing myself. I knew several lawyers who had offered to show up and support my case, but it was so toxic I wanted everyone I knew to be as far away from it as possible. So, I was there on my own.

I was in court fighting to uphold the restraining order I had taken out against my husband, who had become addicted to meth-amphetamines and had all but destroyed our home and most of our possessions.

It had long been unsafe for me to be in my own home, which I was the sole provider for. The lease was in my name and it was part of my now almost unrecognizable husband’s plan to force me into being legally and financially responsible for his meth binge as he holed up, creating booby-traps and literal toxic waste it would take me a month and over $1,000 to clean up.

I was having panic attacks.

Not only was my personal life becoming a full on nightmare – watching someone I deeply love being lost to drugs, losing most of my possessions, and unable to live in the home I had to work a full time job to pay for – my job as a social worker was intense. I had two, yes two, families I was helping who had a parent addicted to meth-amphetamines. When it rains, it pours!

I had to tell two little girls under the age of 11 that they were going to be put up for adoption because their mother couldn’t pull herself out of the grips of this horrifying drug. I had to inform a wife that she and her husband may lose custody of their children because he tested positive, again, for this ominous substance.

Did I mention I was having panic attacks?

Several times a week, I would sit in my car, or have to come all the way home to sit and breathe, meditate, and allow the overwhelming sense that I was going to die calm down so that I could think straight and show up in a good way to protect the children on my caseload, and to take care of my own life that was getting the “Kali Etch-A-Sketch,” as I would later call it.

It was during this time, that the Sacred Feminine, in the form of Kali Ma, started to speak to me. She told me: “Do not let yourself respond in fear. That will only feed the story of fear. Do not respond to Dan’s (my husband’s) toxic threats and behaviors, no matter how frightening.” Then she showed me a chess board and I saw how someone else’s world that is structured in drug-addicted delirium, or even just lost in fear-based/survival-based thinking does not require my personal response. She showed me how my behaviors and responses can either focus on creating something helpful and healing, or it can feed into the misaligned, misinformed, and fear-riddled game plan of a diseased mind, validating it, making it more powerful, and putting me at the disadvantage of always being a step behind the game-master who had created this dystopian labyrinth.

It was really scary to trust this voice that said “Drop into meditation and prayer and move the way Source is guiding you. Do not move in the way of fear.”

So I had to take a moment, many moments, in fact, to calm myself. I had to give myself time to tune in and listen to the voice that comes from Everything that is Greater than me that wishes me well. From that reverent, humble, and curiously open state, I started to receive information about what to do. What was the best next step I could take? I was being shown in moments of stillness and silence.

Most of the time, it had nothing to do with the threats and the invocations of fear coming at me from my husband, who had gone into a paranoid schizophrenic-like delirium, and fueled by being a student of war strategy from many different traditions, as well as a master at chess and a Dungeons and Dragons. He had fallen into a very dark rabbit hole and was creating a painful game and my instructions were to not let any of it faze me, and to not validate the game by stepping onto the game board.

I would get information from my time at my altar. I would do what I was “told,” and each step of the way, from getting the restraining order, to my appearance in court, to what I said to my co-workers, friends, and family  . . . it was all guided by something far beyond my fears and my ego. It was unfamiliar. It was not my ego or my fear. It was wisdom from Source.

What I noticed was that things went amazingly well. Each of Dan’s moves, strategically set up to trap me in some way, were thwarted by the fact that I wasn’t on his game board. He didn’t own the real estate of my life. He wasn’t one step ahead because I wasn’t on the same road. He couldn’t best me at the wrestling match, because I wasn’t engaging with him on the mat.

I was engaging with Everything that is Greater than me that wishes me well, and I was being guided through the lens of love, compassion, truth, and beauty.

The judge sitting across from us only gave Dan a couple of minutes to speak his wild stories before he upheld the restraining order and dismissed the case. The officer on duty in the courtroom, who had heard me testify many times to defend children’s safety now mouthed the words “I’m so sorry,” with an authentic look of heartbreak and pity on his face.

Since then, I have been committed to listening to “Source” as my guiding light. I have also been committed to helping others to do the same – accessing the “Open Source” that is there when we can hear something more refined than the loud booming of the fear and survival-based programming of the subconscious.

There is SO MUCH INFORMATION out there about everything. So much is helpful. So much is NOT helpful.

There are people who have helpful information and communicate it wrapped in anxiety and paranoia and it spreads toxic energy that is harmful and can make it difficult to unwrap the hard shell to discover the helpful gift inside.

It is so important, now more than ever, to make sure that, in addition to helpful, accurate, and current information, we are also spreading helpful ways to stay peaceful and mentally and emotionally well on the inside. Our health and well-being is more than just our physical bodies and medical status. This virus is NOT an isolated, disconnected incident. It is part of a whole momentum that, if handled well, can lead to deeper connection, great learning, and social evolution. If not handled well, it can be blown up into something even worse than it already is, and we will lose much more than we already have.

It is important to be safe, be well informed, and to take care of ourselves and our community through responsible action. The only way to have a clear head about how to respond best is to drop into a place of love, kindness, and dedication to being of service beyond our own personal stories, fears, and survival programming. Listen to the people you know and respect personally. Share in best-practices conversations with family, housemates, neighbors . . .  Now is the time to build the bonds with those we are closest with and to create alliances with like-hearted and like-minded communities to support each other on how we best serve.

I saw much of what is happening now in a vision about 10 years ago. What I was shown is that helping others to drop into an empowered place of peace and calm and making decisions as unencumbered from fear as possible, is essential.

My whole Noble Purpose is based in helping others to dismantle and deprogram the fear-based, survival-based behaviors that are in control of 90% of our decisions, behaviors, and thoughts. What I know for certain is that fear will always steer us off course of the elevated path to health and thriving. Regardless of what truths are woven into the fear, the way that accurate information is pieced together, communicated and shared has fundamental flaws when controlled by limiting fear formulas whose pre-destined outcomes are . . . manufacturing more fear.

Anyone who feels confident in sharing accurate information about best practices should also take it upon themselves to share it in a way that attends to the whole health and well-being of our human reality.

Action is important. Action inspired from internal peace, calm, centeredness and presence is much more effective, reliable, and helpful than a quick and panicked reaction.

As we spread information to be of support to each other, let’s remember to attend to the WHOLE of our human experience. Mind, body, and spirit. It is all connected, it all matters, and it will be much more helpful if the helpful information is delivered with presence and calm.

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One of Ayahuasca’s Many Gifts

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

It was the day after the sound healing I had done for a workshop at Esalen. We were all sitting around in the dining room having breakfast. He’d already told me the night before that he was really moved by my voice and that it had transported him to “the same place that DMT does,” and now he was telling me again how much he appreciated my offering. There was something very familiar about him and I was starting to put some pieces together. His name is Dave, he keeps talking about his band project in L.A. . . . “Hey Dave, what is the name of the band you’re in?” “Oh,” he replied, “It’s a band called Jane’s Addiction.” Dave Navarro! It was Dave fucking Navarro! And he was expounding upon my music?! Was I in another reality? This hardly seemed real and I almost felt like I needed to pinch myself.

I was sitting there in the dark, feeling like I was a wave of blissful energy when I heard the shaman’s assistant ask me if I would sing. Even though, in the ordinary world I had just come from, that would have been enough to create a freeze response and my voice would have locked up, in this moment, with the softening and opening of the plant medicine, I opened my mouth and what came out felt like it was not me.

Something beautiful and etheric flowed through that turned the wave of bliss into a fountain of ecstasy. I felt like a witness to my own singing. Something greater than me was praying through me.

Afterward, people asked me if I was a professional singer. Although it had been a very secret fantasy of mine (and I’d even seen visions of myself changing people’s lives through what flowed out of my mouth -it was never specific whether it was words, songs, sounds or something else), the reality seemed impossible because every time I tried to open my mouth to sing in front of pretty much anyone, my throat would close up and I wouldn’t be able to make a peep.

That was my second Ayahuasca ceremony, and over the years, that profound and even miraculous gift of my voice from this sacred plant medicine brought me back time and time again. Soon I started to learn songs that I could sing, and after a while, I started to allow myself to improvise in the moment, letting Spirit move through my vocal chords.

I realized that my shyness was being healed, but I also realized that it only really worked if I was singing in service to healing and singing songs of devotion. If I was in “performer” mode, it didn’t work so great.

Through the years, after now countless ceremonies with Mama Aya, my voice has been freed up and I am not so shy about sharing my voice through songs and sound healing. Sound healing and singing/chanting/toning are are part of all the ceremonies we offer, and while I still have shy places in my voice and room to grow, there seems to be deep healing that comes from offering up my voice in service.

One of the last ceremonies I was in while on dieta in the Amazon, Mama Ayahuasca gave me a powerful download that showed me (and even embedded within me) that all of our indigenous languages of origin (the specific ones I know about are Hebrew, Sanskrit, Egyptian, and Mayan) are sacred frequencies that the Holies spoke to pray us into our physical form. These languages of light and sound are what our physical bodies and all matter in this galaxy are made of. And, they showed me that, because of this, sound is the original shamanic healing modality. It made perfect sense.

When I came back from that journey, my voice seemed, during ceremony, to vibrate in ways that felt outside of myself. Sometimes it would (and still does) sound like there are other people singing along from other parts of the room.

I always assumed that it was the Medicine that created that effect and that, in real life, I wasn’t capable of producing such powerful frequencies unaided. But then I had the privilege of being asked to offer a sound healing for a week-long workshop at Esalen. I felt a bit awkward being in a space that was not my own, with a group that I was just meeting for the first time, without a previously created ceremonial container. I had done deep self-care in the world class mineral baths there, but was otherwise unaltered.

I dropped in and gave it my best, and felt like it was a solid B+. But afterward, most of the people came up to tell me how powerful it had been. One of them, I would later realize, was indeed, Dave Navarro. Not only had my voice “transported [him] to the same place that DMT does,” it inspired him to ask me to do a private ceremony with him.

If you had told me, as an angsty 20-something who could talk loudly, but couldn’t offer a line of music in public that I would one day mystify one of the band members of one of my all time favorites, Jane’s Addiction, I would never have believed you. But thanks to this potent gift from Ayahuasca, opening my voice in service to healing, I have been able to not only heal myself, but have helped others to have unexpected breakthroughs in their own right.

It’s not that I didn’t do a LOT of my own inner work along with the plant medicine. I did. But I absolutely know that the immense shift from being mute to singing and transforming lives with my voice for a living was magnified and quickened in quantum ways because of the loving medicine of Ayahuasca.

The amazing thing is that this is JUST ONE of MANY magical stories of healing, transformation, and elevation that are integrally connected with sacred plant allies.

People who have come to our group ceremonies have ended their need for anti-depressants, ended alcohol addictions, healed chronic pain and emotional trauma and the list goes on.

I don’t know why these plants are able and willing to do so much to help us heal, but I do know that they are, indeed, here to help.

If you’re interested in how plant medicines can support you in transforming your life in a safe and sacred way, you can use this link to schedule some time to talk with me about the private and group ceremonies we offer through the Church of Living Wisdom, a dogma-free, “plant-based” :-D, Medicine Temple Mystery School. :: CLICK HERE :: to fill out an assessment and get that valuable time with me.

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The Shadows that Emerge when Ascending

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

In an instant, I had gone from an ecstatic DMT-like journey into excruciating pain. I was certain I was having a heart attack, and as I brought myself back into conscious awareness of my surroundings, I could see my partner smiling at me with a pleased look on his face.

I knew I was in the throes of a fear-based subconscious program, but since my other cognitive functions were locked around the pain and convinced I was dying, I couldn’t think anything other than “Why isn’t he helping me? Why does he seem so calm and happy? He must have planned this. This must be some sort of trick to dominate me!” I knew I was either absolutely bat-shit crazy because my shadow was being excavated by our powerful Tantric energetic healing practice, or I was heart-breakingly accurate. WHO KNEW? In that moment, I had no certainty about anything.

I know I have certainly made some questionable choices and overlooked signs that, of course, in hindsight, “should have been obvious,” so how could I know whether my fear was feeding me some old worn out bullshit, or trying to get me to see something very real and very dangerous right in front of my eyes?

Well, since I couldn’t trust my projections on the outside, I decided to bring my full and loving attention to what was happening inside my body. I had a golfball-sized knot that I could feel at my heart. It was energetic, but was also causing unbelievable pain. As I dropped into my Subconscious Success Repatterning practice – the one I’ve been using and sharing consciously with clients for over 16 years now (and cultivating since 1982), I started to realize that I had been loosening up and shedding so many layers of trauma (emotional, mental, psychic, and physical) that there was a bottle-neck traffic jam that had happened in a moment of overwhelm. There was some little energy “snag” that things had gotten caught on. I breathed into it, gave it my love and empty presence, and tried to soften and relax.

Who knows how long I was like that, loving all the pain and being kind to my body, mind, and spirit as intense core wounding tried to make its way out of my being.

It makes sense . . . as Ramadin has been working on me with the bodywork, we have been uncovering some really dark and scary shit from my past that hadn’t yet been fully processed.

Growing up female in the Mormon religion, I did not feel in control of my body (there are LOTS of great things about my childhood and growing up the way I did, but the Mormon church is NOT particularly known for its empowerment of women and their raw feminine power). That lack of sovereignty early on lead to hating my body, an eating disorder, and body dysmorphic disorder.

At the height of its grip, I had eating blackouts and put on an extra 40 pounds that I couldn’t seem to put a dent in regardless of exercise and obsessive calorie and fat monitoring. I now faced the fear that this old dark shadow would re-emerge and take over again. It’s the fear we ALL have when we finally decide to quit ignoring our blocks, our stuck patterns, and go in and do the deep core wound cleaning that’s necessary to be truly free.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing these old heavy stories being released from my body. The massage Ramadin has been doing has been immensely painful at times. The aftermath has felt like I was in a car accident. But I can feel that it is bringing more health and vitality into my world. My body is able to move more and do more without severe consequences. So I’ve been committed to breathe through it, soften, open, release and then do it all over again until I am free.

Even though this is my life’s work and I KNOW that the shadows we are clearing from our realities will often appear very strongly as they are coming up and out of our systems, it is incredibly challenging to be right in the middle of it and not buy back into the fear story. Fortunately, I have a loving partner who is willing and able to not take it (too) personally and holds space for me as I fully surrender into the elevation. It feels very much like what I imagine giving birth to be. In pain, but the only way through is forward. Can’t turn back now!

After I was finally in a place to express what was happening – telling Ramadin that I had severe pain in my heart and was needing to focus on letting go of whatever had become entangled on its way out – he of course offered to help me. It was scary, because that fear story wanted to make him the bad guy responsible for my pain, but I relaxed and, staying tuned in to what was happening, allowed him to hold me and to help pull out the psychic thorns and tangles that were causing so much darkness and suffering as they were trying to leave my system. When it was all over, I took a long hot shower and shared with him what had emerged.

“I didn’t understand why you seemed so pleased while I was in such pain. Was that an illusion? Did you actually have a smile on your face?” I asked.

Ramadin had no idea what I was going through. We were in the process of an intimate and ecstatic Tantric practice and it became apparent to him that I was releasing something really big. He had no idea it was so painful and no idea it had triggered so much shadow and darkness. He was simply smiling because he could feel all that I was letting go of and he loves me.

That made perfect sense, but in the moment of being consumed by fear, I couldn’t see anything but my own perspective, which was colored by the lenses of pain and a healing story that has an imprint of the masculine being a threat to the feminine. WHAT A RELIEF to reach this new and profoundly deep layer AND to LET IT GO!

After the shower, I had to lay down, balled up under the blankets while Ramadin held me. This, too, was hard to even let in because I am so conditioned to being abandoned, or worse, attacked when I am in a vulnerable place like this. My system almost can’t compute that there is someone who wants to hold me through this intensity.

I slept deep and hard. I have been a little bit ungrounded and feeling awkward and slightly disoriented since then. I feel spaciousness inside of myself and it is almost like the rest of me is kind of floating around inside this spaciousness, not quite knowing what is connected and where things fit anymore because so much was released.

I have been kind to myself. Been doing the kind of self care I recommend when working with clients on integrating a big transformational experience. I’ve let myself rest more, given myself cleaner and better food, and been kinder to myself when my mind, body or spirit are not completely back online.

What I’ve noticed since then is that there is more synchronicity, things that were feeling a bit ominous and tenuous are opening up into beautiful possibilities and grounding into more stability. Old limiting ways of being in the world are gone from my system and even more magic is coming in.

This was a humbling experience and I’m so grateful for it. The work I do with Ramadin is profoundly life changing, and it often has this kind of an impact on our clients. They make a big prayer and then . . . they get the BIG healing – cleared out of the things (relationships, careers, possessions, residences, faculties, limitations . . .) that no longer serve. Many times, these are things they’ve been clinging to (sometimes like a life-preserver) thinking it’s what’s saving them, but it’s actually the thing holding them down. From the stuck, afraid vantage point that they are in, it is hard to see anything different that could be better. Once those things are released and that new empty (and sacred) space is held in reserve for everything that aligns with the prayer, then the prayer starts to manifest instantly.

What I am so grateful to realize is that when I don’t try to do it all by myself and trust that my partner, even though my fear says he’s the one who’s causing it, can help me to let go of the limitations that have been holding me back, I can reach new levels of liberation from my old wounds and subsequent fear-based subconscious programs.

My life has never been one of the mundane. The elevation is still a lot of fucking work, but consciously moving through pain and doing the scary work of clearing out the subconscious and cleaning old core wounds leads to a sense of peace and health that is, in my personal experience and opinion, well worth the kick-ass journey.

This work is NOT for everyone. Only the Sacred Rebels, those not satisfied with the status quo, those courageous enough to walk through the fire of their deepest fears for the sake of liberation of the soul.

If you are one of those who has always chosen the path of truth, integrity, and self-liberation over conformity and complacency, we feel you, honor you, and send a prayer your way.

If you would like help moving through the valley of your own shadow from those who have been there and choose to go there time and time again and know how to help you navigate it with ease, grace, and making beauty as you go, we are here for you. Nothing would bring us greater joy than to support you in stepping through to a new level of clarity and liberation from the programming and internalized oppression that gets in there from culture, social norms, former caretaker’s best intentions and the unavoidable pitfalls of being a human (especially right now).

We have a gift for you if you are up for this hero’s journey. You can talk with us for 60 minutes to explore what your Noble Purpose is, what’s holding you back, and what ceremonies, programs and packages we have that can help you to stop losing hours, months or even years to painful repeating patterns. There’s no reason to stay stuck. We’ve been there, broken free, and have helped countless others to do the same. We can help you do it, too.

Times are calling us all to be able to show up with a clear mind, a loving heart, and the courage to do what’s right in the face of so much that is dark and heavy. :: CLICK HERE :: to claim your time with us and fill out an assessment form to help us know how we can best support you on your path.

I’m continuing to explore who I am without these old familiar (though unhelpful) layers. I’d rather be awkwardly flying than confidently crawling.

The path of ascension is full of the old structures that held us together. These are the shadows that need to be composted so that we can lighten our load and live a bigger, more elevated prayer.

Meeting your shadow like this is, once again, NOT a sign of your failure or proof of your lack of value. It is, in fact, proof that you are releasing some old stuff that no longer serves you. Do your eternal Self a favor, and let that shit go and allow yourself the elevation your prayer deserves.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jellaludin Rumi,

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3 Steps to Connection After a Wobble

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

At the end of this month, I will have spent 6 months of my life connecting, deepening and building the life of my prayers with my beloved, Ramadin.

In some ways it feels like lifetimes because there is so much that feels solid, grounded, and deeply rooted. I almost can’t imagine (and honestly don’t particularly want to) life without him. The visions I have held near and dear to my heart for so long are all manifesting with grace, ease, and the delight of sharing and celebrating it with a loving partner in healthy and aligned partnership.

His presence in my life helped me to realize how much I had been holding and manifesting on my own, and how many high expectations I had put on myself that, honestly, were superhuman and unfair to myself. It’s such an immense gift to share a vision, dream, and prayer with someone who is “ALL IN” and as enthused about making it happen, on the daily, as I am.

In some ways it feels like no time at all as I am remembering that just a year ago my life was completely different and, I thought, everything I wanted. So much has transformed, it truly feels like the caterpillar who is now a butterfly. My life has grown wings and is elevating each day.

The full on truth about deep and loving partnership – the kind that dreams and prayers are made of – is that it is not free from conflict, but what it is free from is antagonism. We both still have our core wounds that get triggered. Ramadin is very sensitive and I am very fiery and sometimes that combo leaves us both feeling a bit raw, but the love is still there, the kindness is still there.

Healthy, long-lasting relationships can’t be forced into an expectation of being conflict-free. One of my most esteemed teachers, Martin Prechtel says that the absence of conflict is not peace. The absence of conflict (and he meant allowing natural and healthy conflicts to arise and be worked through) is violence.

Pretending everything is great so that you can stay in the “love bubble,” is a sure fire way of bursting it even faster and taking even longer to rebuild it. It is really helpful to address wobbles before they become earthquakes. That means accepting conflict as an important part of creating peace and even deeper connection.

I wanted to share some helpful bits that I’ve found have been really helpful in my new (yet so deeply familiar) relationship.

Here are 3 quick steps you can take to step into clearing a wobble with more ease . . .

1) Name what you feel (WITHOUT MAKING UP A STORY ABOUT IT)
Example: “I’m feeling some tightness in my heart and I’m not feeling as close to you as I would like to. That’s bringing up some insecurities and making it hard for me to focus on anything else.”

Our egos like to make up stories about why we feel what we do. Negative feelings are always being contextualized through the lens of our core wounding, and therefore it’s always, to some degree, skewed and lacking perspective. Believing and repeating the story you’re making up about your feelings will only perpetuate old core wound stories. A better approach is to simply name what you’re feeling without a why behind it. This allows you and your partner to focus on what can happen now to help greater connection moving forward.

2) Create spacious time and setting to explore how to be close (DON’T MAKE IT A PROBLEM SOLVING MISSION).
Example: “I’d love to focus on how we can feel more close and connected when we’re both back from work and have had some food and time to relax. Does that work for you? I’m looking forward to finding some ways to feel closer and to feel more confident in our connection.”

Trying to find out what “the problem” is will no doubt bring you to finding many problems. If you can both commit to focusing on what needs to happen in this moment, now, to create a greater connection, then you can, from that connected place, look at how to refine, enhance, or otherwise elevate future similar circumstances by making clear requests. This prevents blaming, shaming, and “should”ing on each other.

3) Value each others’ experiences equally (DON’T GET INTO A TUG-OF-WAR OVER WHO WAS “RIGHT” AND WHO WAS “WRONG” – YOU’RE BOTH RIGHT AND YOU’RE BOTH WRONG).
Example: “I value what you shared with me about your experience and I appreciate you hearing me and valuing what I had to share.”

Neither party is right or wrong. You both have your own experiences. You both may be hurt. The level of hurt is NOT an indicator of who was “done wrong.” Don’t get into a war over who feels worse either. The victim role is not a healthy place to be for anyone. Really taking a deep breath and choosing to honor the feelings and experiences of your partner (without assuming any sort of blame for yourself or them) will start to create connection and the ability to find a healthy and helpful way forward.

REMEMBER: YOU BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER. That’s why you want to talk and work it out. Assume that each of you only wants the best for the other (if that is NOT the case, then get the fuck out!). AND SAY IT “I only want the best for you, even if I don’t always know how to make that happen.”

There is SO much more to a healthy and long-lasting relationship than these 3 steps, but it’s a great start and a helpful reminder on how to step deeper into love.

The other day, Ramadin and I were both in our wounding and feeling heavy-hearted. Ramadin sweetly offered to hold space for me to share what was on my heart, but all that was there in the moment was my old core wounding story, which my ego definitely wanted to re-explain and defend, but my higher self knew it wasn’t going to be helpful at all, so I said exactly that: “I don’t want to repeat an old, false, painful story. I need to just focus on centering back into my resourced self. If there’s anything I need from you after that, I will gratefully let you know.”

The moment I sat down at my altar and tuned in to that painful place in my heart, it softened and opened and I felt great. I realized, yes indeed, that core wounding lens had created a story that just wasn’t true. I was able to share from a loving place, later on, about my process so that Ramadin could get a deeper look at my inner world, but instead of trying to work our way out of our stuck algorithmic loops, we were able to move forward into something much more elevated, loving, and helpful.

May this help you step more deeply into your journey with love. And please know that, many times, these processes can be tricky and easier to talk about than actually make happen. So, if you and your beloved can’t seem to find your way out of your repeating patterns of conflict and you’d like some support, we’d be honored to help you turn your conflict into greater intimacy.

:: CLICK HERE :: to fill out an assessment and schedule some time to talk with us about how our ceremonies, programs, and packages can help you step out of broken record patterns and into your unimaginable happiness.

Until our paths meet again . . . may the Source be with you!

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Pain: a love story

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

When I was born, my feet turned in (“pigeon toed,” I believe it is unceremoniously referred to). In 1971, the treatment was to turn my feet in the “right direction” and then cast my legs all the way up to my hips to force the growth like tree branches being bent into pretty shapes.

One of the sets of casts put on my tiny legs at birth.
A set of tiny casts that were on my legs at birth.

My fate was much better than my Mom’s, who had to wear braces, but I was given special exercises to help my feet to grow forward facing.

The result of my deformity at birth and the consequential cures left me with ankles that sprained easily and with legs that would feel full of hot daggers after a gentle hike or night of dancing.

Over time, I started to feel critical of myself. Not realizing that my body had been twisted out of alignment. I was young. I “should” be able to run and jump and do whatever I wanted, so I turned on an inner critic that would badger me every time I felt resistant to being active.

In my late twenties, I had fears that I would be in a walker by the time I was thirty because of the immense pain I experienced from doing fairly ordinary things that other people seemed to enjoy without ever thinking twice.

By grace and happenstance, I read a lovely book on Insight Meditation and started to practice on my own. I started to apply the practice to my own body. I started to breathe into the places where the pain was and to bring love, compassion, and life force with each breath.

Very quickly, I noticed a huge shift. If I was conscious about my knees and ankles and breathed into them while out in Nature or on the dance floor, I felt fine the next day. Over time, it seemed like I had found my way to being “normal,” whatever that means and no longer had to be so vigilantly mindful of every single breath while using my legs and feet.

Later on, as I started to work with plant medicines and Entheogens, they taught me how to, even more deeply, bring my conscious awareness towards my pain, physically, mentally, emotionally . . . and how to do deep healing through being loving, kind, and compassionate towards the pain I held in my body, mind, and spirit. This practice, along with some other deep experiences and training, lead me to the powerful transformational process I now do with clients, which I call “Subconscious Success Repatterning.”

Some people may be surprised to hear that the work I do on the subconscious level started out as a practice for healing the physical body. If you know much about whole being health, you will not be surprised to hear that challenges in the subconscious make their way into everything we do – our thoughts, feelings, actions, and body (health, vitality, movement . . .).

I was able to use this practice in my practicum for my Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology through California Pacific Medical Center, Marin General Hospital, Marin Cancer Resource Center, and the Institute for Health & Healing. I was able to apply this process across many different cases – mothers with labor pains, post-partum depression, women fighting cancer (dealing with pain, fear, grief and other challenges), patients unable to sleep, patients dealing with nausea and pain that was not able to be controlled by pain-killers . . . and since completing that internship, I’ve been able to use it to help people with eating disorders, addiction, depression, and mysteriously stuck and repetitive, painful cycles of self-sabotage, scarcity, and survival.

I received 1600 cumulative clinically supervised hours applying this work to patients and clients and had enthusiastic support from my supervisors to take this work into the world. “You are a TRUE healer,” they told me.

I’ve used this on myself to heal from obsessive-compulsive behavior, an eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, and the ordinary human experiences of “not good enough,” and my own survival and scarcity patterns.

So, I thought I was fairly invincible . . .

Fast forward to five months ago. I met this amazing man who would soon open my heart wide with his safe and loving presence, his capable and dependable acts of kindness, and his mastery in communication and navigating challenges.

Ramadin initiated our friendship with an offer for bodywork. It is probably my most favorite experience. A massage, even if it’s not so great, is almost always a welcomed offering. So, when he offered, I was incredibly receptive. But right away, I could feel that what he was doing was more than just massage. I could feel the energetic shifts he was creating.

It almost felt too intimate for someone I was just starting a new friendship with, he was so intuitively dialed in to the origins of my wounding, but I could also feel that what he was doing was incredibly helpful. After the first massage, he sent me a message telling me that my legs were “talking” to him. I said “Oh really? What did they say?” “Help!” was the reply.

He asked me “On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the pain in your legs?” “Um, zero.” I responded with a bit of a question in my reply. He was slightly incredulous and shared that, based on what he could feel going on in my legs, he was surprised I could walk. “?!?!?!”

I shared with him my experience of being in casts and how it had caused an immense amount of limitations and pain early on and that I had done a great deal of healing through my practice. He very lovingly shared that while I may have done some deep healing and been able to eliminate the pain, my legs had hypertonicity . . . probably had since I was very young. The lack of pain was not a sign of being healed.

He said “You could meditate and breathe and do all sorts of visualizations, but it’s not going to loosen up the steel cables in your legs. Only hands on work can do that.” He asked me if I was up for the committed journey to heal my legs. I said “YES!”

Ramadin holding my legs.
Image by Candace Smith
Image by Candace Smith

And so it began. Pretty much every week, I get some sort of focused work on my legs. It has been fucking painful. Sometimes, after a session, it feels like I need to learn how to walk again. The “steel cables” are now getting blood flow and it’s creating sensations of pain that feel like I was in a horrible accident. Sometimes I feel immense weakness from misaligned and repetitive movements that left some parts of me petrified and other parts unable to gain strength.

It is incredibly humbling.

And it has helped me to see on a much more tangible, palpable level, why so many people are willing to just deal with the limitations and the stuck patterns in their lives. I have conversations with people who are not living their purpose, who can’t seem to get out of painful realities. I know I can help them, and even offer them a guarantee I can help them, but instead of moving forward, they get to the edge and back down. I know it’s scary, and now I have an even more intimate perspective on it.

The pain can be ignored away sometimes, or at least adjusted to. We tell ourselves, like I had told myself, “this is the best it gets.” It can feel almost overwhelmingly scary, frustrating, daunting and confronting to think that we can have a better reality, but have let ourselves live in something far far below our Noble Purpose, abundance, and unimaginable happiness.

Admitting to ourselves that we could have a better life is hard sometimes – especially if we have a “not good enough” wound. That realization sits right on that wound a pours the salt in generously. The the realization that we have to go in and feel all the feelings in order to heal them and let them go can feel like too much to take on. It’s easier to just sink back into the denial and the old coping mechanisms and hope that someone or something else will offer a quicker, easier relief.

Since I am who I am, having done the dive into my pain and experienced great liberation, my response was immense gratitude to be shown that I could have better mobility, greater vitality, and a more embodied reality. It meant that I was going to have to step out of the blissful ignorance my body had been in, and it meant that I was going to experience deep pain, but I knew it is worth it.

Every massage has been intense, requiring deep breathing, mental focus, sometimes tears. Each massage leaves me exhausted and feeling, as I mentioned before, like I’ve been in some sort of accident. Now I do feel what’s actually happening in my legs. I can feel the contortions of tendon, muscle, joints and bones all pulling in funky ways, and it is painful. But I can also feel the new life coming into my body. As Ramadin works on me, even though it’s painful, there’s a quality to it, just like the Subconscious Success Repatterning, that lets me know it is the kind of pain that is helpful, healthy, and necessary to move into a more elevated reality.

The work I do as a ceremonial guide requires a lot of getting up, kneeling, bending, squatting, walking, carrying . . . and my body had been telling me it wasn’t sure how long it could do this, which I thought was strange since I seldom had any real pain. Now I know my body was trying to tell me that I needed some serious help. I am so grateful I am getting that serious help before my body seized up altogether.

As I was getting my healing and talking about the huge shifts, my clients started to get work from Ramadin as well, and now we are working together to help liberate our community from the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental wounding that is keeping them playing a much smaller game than their spirit knows they are here to play.

If you are struggling with pain, in your body, your mind, your spirit, your finances, or your relationships, we would like to support you in breaking free from the mental, emotional, and physical wounding that has you stuck needlessly suffering.

We would be honored in helping you to live a much bigger prayer for yourself. If you would too, we have a special gift for you . . .

:: CLICK HERE :: to receive your special gift.

I wrote an eBook about Subconscious Success Repatterning called “Unlock Your Success Code” and I also recorded a basic Subconscious Success Repatterning guided journey. If you would like to receive both of these, use the link above to get your very own “Spiritual Success Mentoring Kit,” which has the book and the guided journey mp3. And if you’d like to get personal support in breaking free from any physical, emotional or mental pain, you can use the “Live Your Purpose & Prosper” Discovery Session link to fill out an assessment form and schedule some time to talk with us about how we can help you. It’s a no obligation exploration of the programs and packages we have to help you release the pain in your life.

You don’t have to keep fighting alone. We’re here for you.

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Ceremony: An Act of Rebellion

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

How can attending a ceremony be an act of rebellion?

We spend a good chunk of our days moving through programs. How we engage with our screens to communicate, schedule, get information, make plans and connections . . . creates patterns of movement and thought. How we get from one place to another, obeying traffic signs and navigating city design. How we go about feeding and sustaining ourselves . . . all of these experiences have patterns of movement, thought, and behavior, and most of them are created from a human intention of getting you to follow a predictable flow of actions, thoughts, and even feelings.

It may seem benign from the outside, but what we subject ourselves to, daily, continues to create programming that limits the creative thought processes and ways that we shape our lives. We absolutely know that our data is being mined and used to influence our every move online (and that flows into our offline reality too). We can most certainly trust that most of that influence is not aimed at helping us to reach our best and highest potential.

When we step outside of the programmed realms online, and choose to commune with forces and elements that are greater than us that wish us well (Nature, The Holy, Creator, Source . . .), we step into the liminal space of the Unknown. We create a sacred time and space where we come to experience something beyond our current ability to comprehend. We invite in that Higher Wisdom and Energy to help us to elevate our minds, our spirits, and our physical reality. There is no pre-programmed outcome. There is no agenda other than being of service to our healing and personal growth.

If we don’t give ourselves regular opportunities to leave the previously scheduled programs we’ve tuned into and make ourselves available to the magnificent and limitless love, wisdom, healing, and beauty of That Which Created Us (whether we have an anthropomorphic idea of that Source or whether we believe it is completely impersonal and powerful beyond our ability to fully comprehend), we are voluntarily subjecting ourselves to being programmed just like computers and smartphones. If we don’t give ourselves opportunities to access something beautiful, elevated and beyond our current limitations, we are doomed to behave, think, and feel just as the data mining big brothers choose.

Ceremony, when done in a good way, offers a safe and sacred container for us to come and commune with Higher Powers that wish us well and want to help us break through the mundane and lower frequency programming so that we can access our unimaginable happiness and live our Noble Purpose.

This is why I am devoted to bringing Sacred back, building community, and it’s why I founded the Church of Living Wisdom. There are no dogmas here. We are here, as a collective, to create safe and sacred spaces for our diverse community to heal, learn, and grow together (and to break free from the intentional and unintentional programming we subject ourselves to every time we interact with a screen, or a system designed to control human behavior).

We know that Sacred Plant Allies, like mushrooms (Niños Santos), Cannabis (Santa Maria), San Pedro (Huachuma), Ayahuasca, and Iboga offer a quantum leap in breaking free from those old subconscious and external programming, and there is also no need to ingest these medicines if they are not calling to you.

Sound Healing is the oldest and most potent tool in the shaman’s medicine kit since everything in the known Universe is made up of vibrating energy particles. Witnessing our fellow humans in making a prayer for their lives is the foundation of miracle manifestation. Dance, play, and simply engaging with a safe and welcoming community with loving intentions all elevate us because there is no program and little predictability, and it is founded in the best default medicine around: Love.

If you are feeling called to truly shake up the current systems of oppression that are woven into our modern means of survival, then it is essential to not only participate in frequent opportunities to access Source Wisdom, it is important to also learn how to create them for yourself, your family, your community, and in your working environments.

We are starting a year-long Ceremonial Leadership Certification Program to help you learn many ways (from clinical to traditional approaches) for creating safe and sacred spaces and experiences that will help us all to break the programs and start co-creating new ways of seeing, thinking, and being in the world that are in harmony with Creator. (How can we be in harmony with something we never spend time getting to know?).

Religion does not have a monopoly on Spirituality. In fact, it can often stand in the way of truly accessing our own unique relationship with Source, which is sacred and does not require an intercessor or medium.

We are bringing Sacred back as an act of rebellion.

Care to join us?

If you are interested in learning more about our Ceremonial Leadership Certification Program or simply desire a safe and sacred space to heal, learn, and grow with other diverse community members, please contact us to learn more about the best fit for your goals, needs, and desires. :: CLICK HERE :: to fill out an assessment and schedule a call with us.

And until our paths meet . . .

May the Source be with you.

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How Your Low Self-Worth is Making You Come Off as an Ingrate

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.
First off, I’ll say that I’m facing this one myself, so I’m speaking from personal experience as the arrogant ingrate. And I see it all around me. It’s heartbreaking that this painful trauma program can create such a paradoxical reality, and so I thought I would break it down a bit. Maybe you’ll see yourself on the giving or receiving end and have more compassion (for yourself or someone else).   So just recently, I was with someone I care about quite a bit. We’re getting to know each other better and he said some things that were profoundly touching. They were expressions that let me know he wants to step in with me on a deep level. Like, if I were to write a really fantastic romance novel scene, this would be in it.   What I felt was “Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m hearing these words. It’s breaking my heart open. It is touching me in places that hurt because they have been so in the dark and now here’s this bright light shining and it’s almost too much to take in. I can’t believe I am lucky enough to have this kind of presence and enthusiastic participation from someone I care about this much, but who is so new in my life.”   What I said was “That’s really beautiful. Thank you.”   And honestly, that response is the result of me working on my self-worth story for many years.   Of course, as I let it all settle and I really let myself feel the potency of what had been offered to me, I realized my response was paltry at best. I later followed up with the deeper experience and it was well received, but it could have been so much more potent if, in the moment, I was able to stop, really take it all in, and acknowledge it right there on the spot.   What’s scary is that it would have been so easy for me to deflect it altogether and not even let myself see the profound gift that had been offered to me, because yes, indeed, it was painful. It went right in to that tender self-worth wound and opened it right up.   I know there have been times when someone has offered me a compliment or some other gift of the heart that I didn’t feel worthy of, so I diminished it, ignored it, or in some other way couldn’t let it mean what it actually meant, and I not only deprived myself of receiving that beautiful heart offering, I sent a signal to the giver that what they offered wasn’t worthy of mention or wasn’t good enough . . . see the paradox?   My own lack of self-worth can actually create a message for someone else that they aren’t good enough.   And then over time, those people learn not to offer those vulnerable and valuable heart shares because they don’t have a safe place to land and then the lack of acknowledgment now feeds my low self-worth wound.   Fortunately, I didn’t ignore it, and was able to go back and deepen my response, but like I said, that’s from years of working on this.   I see friends and clients inflicting this same scenario upon themselves and their loved ones constantly. I see it all around me.   When we don’t receive the loving offering in front of us, we create suffering for ourselves and others.   I hope this is helpful. If you’d like to unpack your self-worth wounding even further so that you can start to let more of the love in and stop signaling to others that they (and you) are not worthy of the love, I can help you with that.   Here’s a link to fill out an assessment and schedule some no-cost time to talk with me about where you’re stuck, where you’d like to be, and whether I can support you getting out of the story and into more love.   CLICK HERE >>>  https://amandaeloesh.as.me/    May you let yourself feel the pain and let the love in anyway. Read More

Medicine Story: Healing my relationship with the Sacred Masculine – what the Fox told me.

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.
goddess and fox

My Healing with the Masculine

The Sacred Mythology of Fox Medicine

As I dive into deep healing of the wounding I have been engaged with over my relationship with the masculine, I ask, “What is the evolution of this painful story?”

The only way to heal is to allow a vision of an elevation to arise.

What has emerged from that prayer and meditation is a true story that is also a mythology. This story is a Medicine story, meaning that it is shared in a ceremonial way.

I offer it to you in that way. May it serve an awakening of healing and elevation within you.

____________

One day, several years ago, as I walked on my favorite trail, just beyond my back yard, I came around a bend to see something run from a big winding Oak tree. I thought “Fox!” and then immediately thought how silly that was. A fox? During the day? Must’ve been a cat or a raccoon.

But as I came around the bend, there he was. The fox, who had just been up in the tree, standing there, looking at me.

Letting me look at him.

“Thank you! Thank you for letting me see you!” and he turned and ran off the trail, disappearing into the leaves and vines.

The next day, I made a prayer with the Chanupa, the Sacred Pipe, and asked to have a deeper relationship with Fox Medicine.

A few days later, before heading out onto the trail, I stopped in at the altar of the Wise Woman. She had just started speaking to me. She told me that, in addition to tobacco, I needed to bring sweet grass with me. So, without question, I took the sweet grass, curious about when and where I would offer it.

As I turned onto my favorite trail, I found a golf ball with a hand-written number thirteen, circled. “Okay. Nature Oracle time!” I thought with excitement. And just moments later, after stopping at the wild honey bee hive and giving some tobacco and prayers of gratitude, I came around a bend and there he was again – the fox. Only this time, he was dead.

I gasped and in an instant I recognized that he was my brother and that he had given himself to me as an answer to my prayer with the Chanupa. Deep sorrow, deep humility, and deep reverence came over me, and then I knew why I had been told to bring the sweet grass.

I knelt by his side. I took the braid out and laid it down on his heart. No signs of injury. His body was soft still. A few ants on his closed eyes. I was overcome with so many feelings at once. I prayed and asked how I could possibly honor this life. I was instructed to “Do ceremony with me.”

So, I wrapped him up in my shirt, and carried him back home with me. I laid his body underneath the Acacia tree that once stood in the back yard. I sent a message to George Gray Eagle, our medicine man, asking for guidance on what a proper ceremony might entail.

I soon received a response. Two brief sentences about how to skin him. “Oh. That kind of ceremony.” I had never skinned an animal before. I had done some skin preparation with Martin Prechtel and had an idea on how to treat the skin, but that was it.

My friend, Ayden, held space for me, and with sage, tobacco, and sweet grass, I made a prayer to ask for help to honor this medicine and be with this ceremony in a good way.

Slowly I took apart his body, starting with the skin. I delicately cut where George had instructed and with ease, his skin slipped off like a tight glove. The intimacy of the experience was profound. I opened up his belly and put my hands inside of him. I pulled out his organs. They looked so perfect. I buried them and the bones in the East with prayers and sacred offerings. I took his head and his heart and buried them in the garden.

I stretched out his skin on a board panel, rubbed it down with salt, and planned to attend to it the next day.

I gave thanks for the immense offering and the precious experience of taking my spirit brother’s body apart. I still couldn’t really take it all in. So many messages, so many gifts in this experience. And the question that hung in my head: “Why had he offered himself – given his whole life – to me?”

When I awoke the next morning, I was sick. I had a fever and felt pain all over my body and a deep fatigue. I had to stay in bed, resting and dreaming with the Fox. It was as though I was purging or somehow overwhelmed by the intensity of it all.

The next day was a Monday and I had to work. So many appointments I threw myself into. Telling myself I would get to the skin when I was done. But at the end of the day, I was still feeling the edges of my returning health and turned in early to rest.

The next day was clear. I could finally attend to the skin. I got up early and went straight to work. But to my utter shame and sorrow, the skin had become infested with all sorts of tiny predators. The hair was coming off in clumps, and it looked awful.

Normally, I am pretty good at forgiving myself for mistakes, but this felt unforgiveable. I immediately decided to never tell anyone what I had done. I would just bury it and say that was the plan all along. I was so overtaken with grief and shame, that I went into the shadow of denial and hiding my transgression. What’s worse, is that shame created an inability to attend to the skin even then. I tucked it away where it couldn’t be seen and left it.

At that time, I was teaching a weekly course about the 13 Sacred Feminine Archetypes (Wise Woman is one of them). This week, we were focusing on the Goddess of Compassion. I was tuning into Her and also carrying the grief and shame of the Fox in my heart. This particular combination created an opening.

As I sat at my altar, the Fox spoke to me through the lens of compassion. He said “I gave myself to you because I am your brother and you needed me. I knew you were going to fuck it up – taking my skin, that is. It doesn’t matter, and in fact, that is the whole point. THIS is the Medicine. The offering is the Medicine. Not my skin. Your intimate connection being in ceremony with me was the gift. Not some impressive remnant to put on your altar.”

It reminds me of the story of Christ, who gave his body as a gift, and also the story of Chinnamasta. She is in the forest with her mentees and they are complaining of hunger, so without hesitation, she chops off her own head to feed them as a symbol of living in trust and pure devotion. The offering of the small self in service to life and love. The humility that was infused into me from it all was actually painful – to take in the possibility of being worthy of such a Noble and generous gesture, especially since I had not shown up in a good way.

Finally, I did get to attend to his skin. Enough time had passed that I dug his head up from the garden and, again with sage, tobacco, and sweet grass, I cleaned the skin. Anointed it, and wrapped it tightly around the now white and clean skull that had been dutifully prepared by all of the tiny creatures below the surface of the earth. I bundled these up inside of red wool felt and it sits at my altar now as a reminder of the true gift, the many lessons, and the BIG Medicine from this often undervalued animal ally.

So, in my prayer to heal the story of the masculine that attacks, or is absent altogether, I was brought back into the Medicine of Fox. The presence, the generosity, the compassion, and forgiveness. Acknowledging my own abandonment, shadow, and denial, and forgiving it within and without.

The liberation from the old painful story of being harmed requires the liberation of all players. Letting myself off the hook requires letting everyone else off as well. My Spirit Brother, Fox showed up for me as an embodiment of the Sacred Masculine as a provider and a liberator; that is undeniable and is far more precious than anything I could or would ever ask for.

I am sitting with the depth of this potent journey. The journey with love that continues in countless forms.

May this story serve to help you find your own liberation through compassion and forgiveness through the Sacred Masculine eyes of Fox Medicine.

If you would like to explore your possibilities of elevating painful wounds and repeating patterns into transformation and deep healing, I invite you to receive some one-on-one time with me to look at how my programs can help you :: CLICK HERE :: to fill out an assessment and schedule some time to talk with me now.

 

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How I quit giving my power away to men (by surrendering)

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.
AEloesh-0037

I had the immense pleasure of receiving deep and profound healing recently. There are elements of my wounding that I have done so much work on and at some point, several years ago, got the message that I had done everything I could do for myself and needed someone else to assist me.

Because so much of the wounding that I carry in my spirit and my body come from ruptured relationships with the masculine, it seemed most reasonable that it would be from the hands of the masculine that I would be most fully liberated – at least that’s what Source showed me, and after sitting with it, it made sense.

I had hoped that partners could do it, but often, those wounds were activated, but not held in the way that my spirit so longed for.

So, I have been in a prayer for a very long time. Seeing the vision of what was possible and calling in the help I needed. As a healer, I hold space for others and have often had it reflected to me that the container I offer is powerful and deep. Maybe it is because of this that it has been hard to find the person who could engender the trust necessary to allow me to fully surrender. I’ve had many powerful healing sessions, but few can go deep and no one has been able to access the deep wounding that I have been searching for. I was starting to doubt that anyone could have the gift and skill to find those places in my subtle and physical body, and then thoroughly release the tangles and toxins that have been stuck there for, apparently, lifetimes.

So, it was with humbling and almost overwhelming gratitude that I found myself being held and healed by the loving hands and heart of a good man who heard the cries for help (literally) from my spirit and generously offered his gifts to free me from the pain that have kept me from being fully embodied.

As I surrendered into this deep healing, I witnessed so many pieces coming together and have realized that it is likely that these are pieces many women carry within them, too. I share them here, hoping they will serve an awareness that can help you to access deep healing within your body, mind, and spirit, too.

What came through most powerfully was a vision of myself as a young girl, full of powerful life force energy. I was innocent, and full of strength. I saw how I channel so much Shakti and how, as a child, that potency was not empowered. I was not taught how to work with my power. I was taught, not so much directly, but unavoidably and constantly from my religion, my culture, TV, movies, music . . . that there was something shameful and inappropriate about my power, and somehow it didn’t belong to me. As I got a little older, my life force energy was projected upon and fed upon by ignorant men who, growing up in the same imbalanced culture that I did, saw my life force energy, my Shakti, as something to feed upon or judge, objectify, and take as an entitlement.

I saw how many times, because of the messages I got from so many places, I gave that part of me away to the masculine – partly because I knew I needed protection – longed for it, actually, and thought I needed to trade my power for safety – and partly because I was taught that my survival and value depended upon placating and fulfilling the desires of the ignorant masculine that did not know how to treat it as sacred. I didn’t know how to treat it as sacred. Over and over again, I offered these precious parts of myself up, hoping someone would care for me/this part of me in a way that would bring a sense of wholeness, not realizing how ridiculous that was. I actually saw a vision of my spirit as a sad and helpless child offering her most precious gift up to strangers, not realizing what I was doing. Not realizing I am the one who needed to care for this part of me, to cherish and protect it. That vision has brought so much shame I couldn’t bare to really fully see it.

By the time I realized that my Sacred Feminine energy, my life force, my power to create IS ACTUALLY SACRED, I felt ashamed that it had taken me so long to recognize it as such. And, as shame will do, it created a disconnect from the deep wounding that had been etched into my mind, my body, and my spirit. I moved forward, learning how to honor myself and how to start cultivating my Shakti to nourish myself and all I create. I learned how to start treating myself, my body, my offerings, and my gifts as sacred – I’m still learning, in fact.

And eventually, as I learned the true costs of shame, I started to dismantle the layers that had been built to keep me from seeing all that I had allowed to take place and all that I had done to myself because of ignorance and a disconnect from the sacred feminine. I did SO MUCH FUCKING HEALING with plants, ceremony, ritual, meditation, prayer, traditional therapy, shamanic soul retrieval, and my deep inner practice to remove trauma from the subconscious, Subconscious Success Repatterning. It has all been immensely helpful. It’s all been essential, but what I realized after years of healing from within is that there are elements of myself – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually . . . that I cannot fully see or access on my own. I need a mirror to trim my hair and see what I look like from behind, and so is the case for other aspects of my healing and self-care.

Now, here I was on this massage table, feeling the vibrations of sound and witnessing the detangling of so many years – lifetimes actually – of feeling defensive and alone, needing to carry everything and unable to trust.

I saw the role I played in innocently offering precious parts of myself to men, who couldn’t possibly know how to hold it in a good way. I saw how it perpetuated so many expressions of the same old stories. I was able to see it with not just eyes of compassion, but with a full embodiment of compassion towards myself, towards those who played a role in teaching me this twisted view of myself, and towards those who saw what I had and fed on it in the many painful ways they did. I found forgiveness for all of it.

I saw my magic through the eyes of the uninitiated and ignorant masculine – witnessing my magic and, being taught to conquer, hunt, and posses, simply did what was natural – served himself without having a clue how it might impact me, and often leaving the empty shell of me behind to look for the next conquest.

I saw how I have done the same thing to the earth – seen something amazing and delightful and just assuming it was mine to take. I saw how the human instinct is filled with this entitlement: land to develop, fruit from the trees, coal from the earth, fish from the sea . . . Slave labor dyed clothing made with chemicals that poison the earth, purchased on Amazon – just $13.99! “I have to have those leggings!”

And it needs to stop. And shame is the veil holding all of the wounding that is keeping us from truly seeing.

It is time to see the roles we are playing in our own exploitation – where we give away our power because we think we have to. It is time to see the ways in which we are doing the same thing in our relationships and to the world around us. All of us are complicit on some level.

So, while I am still just in almost disbelief at finally receiving the miraculous gift of being liberated from deeply embedded wounding all glued together with shame, the work, in some ways, is just now beginning.

 

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The Problem with Science

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.
Amanda tipping hat

There have been a LOT of posts about the importance of science, and science IS important, but . . . “science” can mean a LOT of things.

Monsanto has science behind them but I don’t buy it. I have a friend who is a scientist who says that the reports she’s seen do not support claims of climate change; and there are many scientists who say it is a real and impending issue – I tend to agree with them. NASA has scientists who sent people to the moon, and there are scientists who have interesting arguments that have convinced many that the moon landing couldn’t have happened.

Even when we can look at “just the facts,” there are many ways of interpreting them, what is focused on, what is considered unimportant, what connections are made and what conclusions are drawn.

Scientists have biases that skew their approach and their findings because, come to find out, they’re human. It’s not as straight forward as one might think.

Survival-based programming impacts everyone and it actually can make an impact on something we consider to be static and straight forward, like science.

Add to it all of the purposefully fabricated shit that gets put out there to fill personal agendas and wallets, and it can feel impossible to know what the real truth is, especially if you don’t have the education to pick apart detailed studies and data points.

So it is important, now more than ever, to learn how to feel truth from within. Our bodies know. Our minds can make up and follow and believe all kinds of things – if that wasn’t the case, there wouldn’t be so much divisiveness right now, but deep within us is our innate wisdom. I’m not talking about emotional responses – those are just as wishy washy. There is a knowing we can all tap into.

If you have anxiety or stress in your system or are not actually curious about Truth beyond personal preferences and opinions, then it will be hard to find. We know that our personal data is being mined and we are being given social media stimulants to drive our behaviors in all sorts of ways.

The only way to have a snowball’s chance in hell of breaking free and actually exerting some sense of free will that is guided by higher wisdom is to be able to tap into the Truth that lies buried inside of us. Do you know how to do that?

It can require deep work to dig down beyond the layers of programming from our childhood, our culture, and our ancestral epigenetic inheritances, but it IS possible. The first step is to let yourself be genuinely curious and passionately committed to learn the Truth, even though it might contradict our beliefs (even about ourselves).

Now is the time to take your behaviors and decisions out of the hands of information miners and take back your power. The revolution can’t happen if you can’t stand in your own personal power, and you can’t stand in your personal power if you don’t know what the Truth is.

If you feel called to take more steps to reach the Truth you hold inside of you, and would like to get some support in learning how to access the wisdom deep within, and how to tune into Source for greater guidance beyond your own human limitations, that is what I do. You can get some valuable time to speak with me live to look at what you’re struggling with and what I can do to support you. :: CLICK HERE :: to fill out an assessment and get this time with me – it’s my gift to you.

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I’m sorry. I want to do better. Please read.

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.
Hey Spiritual SuperSTAR;

I want to acknowledge that I haven’t really been pouring the kind of deliciousness and value into this place that I have wanted.

You deserve better, and I am going to make a commitment to you right now to start offering more of me to you.

It has been exactly forever since I had the time, bandwidth and clarity to sit down and offer something deep and from the heart here.

I’ve done my best to post things on Facebook and Instagram, and at some point, the immensely fast pace at which my life has been moving has made it seem not only impossible, but even pointless to try to summarize or put a pin in somewhere. So many poignant moments, lessons, insights and valuable pearls I’ve wanted and tried to share, but the pace of personal growth has been faster than the speed of a Facebook live-stream.

For those of you who have not been able to follow along through the random and inconsistent posts I’ve provided here and there, this is my last year in a nutshell.

I went into the Amazon for my sixth time, feeling a completion with the tribe and land I have grown to love and call family and home for the past three years.

I met my twin flame, quite unexpectedly as I was engaged at the time to someone else. We were in Hungary at a psychedelic festival I was teaching at. After four short, yet transformational days, I knew there was something cosmic and life-changing from our connection. My heart and mind had confusing thoughts, worries and stories about how to navigate this potent heart-opening connection while being engaged to someone else.

I decided to let LOVE take the lead.

To show me the way to navigate this potent, magical and potentially ass-kicking experience, and LOVE has guided me into a loving and peaceful completion of my engagement with Michael, through many initiations with my twin flame beloved, Gerwin, that have taken us both into dark and hard places, clearing out space for new light, new love, new possibilities.

I lost my home, where I had built a thriving and sustainable business as a priestess and medicine woman. I lost my sustainability. Most of my reality was, in a matter of just a couple of months, shaken, threatened, destroyed, irreversibly altered, and reformed. I actually lost count of the profound losses and challenges because they were coming so quickly. I hit many edges where I said “I just can’t take another hit,” and three more would come, and I realized that I could, actually, take it, and in fact, I needed it all.

My core wounding was triggered to the point of completely questioning and even fully letting go of everything  I was attached to and reliant upon – relationships, income, my privileges, my titles, my entitlements, my identifications, everything that meant something, I surrendered it all to Source, and, with the immense loving kindness and support from my beloved, my family, my friends, was shown what is truly mine and what my Noble Purpose is. When it is written into the sacred codes of your DNA, you can’t put it down. It IS you. But I hit that place of despair and hopelessness that is necessary to be reborn and to truly see and value the immense gift of life in its utmost simplicity and without distracting bells and whistles.

I remembered my prayer . . . to trust that Love was taking the lead on my life and that all was in sacred motion to bring me to higher ground.

I manifested, in a deeply sacred and profound way, the most amazing new medicine temple home, with my beloved, Gerwin. It was an answer to a potent prayer we made together that showed up within a few weeks. I was about to start putting my stuff in storage and make a plan for my exit from the Bay Area, but this home showed up magically, and has taken us in and is showing me that many visions, dreams, and hopes that I have been collecting in journals and in the corners of my heart over the past few years, are all about to become manifest. I have literally dreamt of being here and the magic I am being called to offer to the world on a deeper level than I have given myself permission to experience.

The container of this place: sacred, safety, beauty, magic, renewal, solidity, serenity, groundedness, healing . . . HOME.

I am not done with the transformation, but I do see the undeniable light at the end of the tunnel. {THANK ALL THAT IS GOOD!}

Once again, Spirit has shown me that this practice, Subconscious Success Repatterning, and the manifestation magic from my spirit ally, Spider Grandmother, turns chaos and loss into a powerful upgrade. Truly greeting the loss of everything we hold dear with a trusting, loving welcome and the curiosity to ask “How is this serving my Noble Purpose?” reveals that everything truly is a gift, IF we’re willing to trust and allow it to unfold itself before us.

My greatest superpower, and it’s quite a good one in my own humble opinion, is to turn the hard edges, chaotic break-downs, and unexpected tragedies into priceless upgrades we couldn’t have achieved otherwise.

I will continue to share more of the juiciness of my forward momentum with you here, but I will be sharing more deeply, and much more intimately, about this journey (the past year’s epic tale, and that which is unfolding in real time now) in a slightly more private place. I believe in complete transparency, AND I also VALUE my intimate and vulnerable experiences and only want to share them with my family, friends, and community who also respect and value the preciousness of what I am offering up.

For that reason, I am asking for a very small donation to get the inside scoop about the high magic, an intimate look at the hard shadows, and up close and personal access to the insights, tools, practices and wisdom that have allowed me to turn tragedy, trauma, anxiety, scarcity, disease, and destruction into the most abundant, loving, magical reality I could have imagined or prayed in for myself. It is truly priceless, but I want to make it available to everyone who feels called to join me on my journey.

I am offering up these deep behind-the-curtain transmissions :: HERE :: and I hope you can come along with me on the journey. I’ve created really affordable, income-based options so that it is easily accessible to everyone.

I know there are many of you who have wanted to work with me one-on-one and have not had the resources to do so. This is the BEST way to get a personal connection with me for less than a couple of cups of fancy coffee each month, and my best guess is that you’ll find some inspirations that will help guide you out of your scarcity patterns, and into abundance. {So, now you see my selfish agenda . . . to help you to thrive so you can invest more fully in your own personal growth, and come and join me for my LIVE and private offerings.}

We are building a community of safe, loving family who value diversity, healing, loving kindness and creating spaces that feel like home. If you value this, too, and want to make a commitment to weave your Noble Purpose and your prayer in with ours, please join us :: HERE :: for free, and for a deeper, more intimate look into our vulnerable, dark, and deeply sacred experiences, please join us :: HERE ::

Things to look for on our income-based membership site:

  • “Sexual Bliss Through Good Housekeeping: Pleasure Rituals for Better Living” – regular installments
  • Free online courses
  • Intimate diary entries
  • Pillowcasts: intimate, behind-the-curtains conversations between Amanda & Gerwin

This is our journey with love. I can’t wait to connect with you on the path!

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The Trouble with Spin

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.
spin records

We all do it in some form or another. We can’t help it. We feel connected with people and that changes how we communicate with them. We start to attune to their perspectives and that shifts how we see the world.

But there is a point at which natural resonance and attunement shifts over into spin. You can feel the difference.

Changing what you say about a situation, a person, yourself . . . to influence someone to buy into a story or a position. It’s not lying per se. Everything that’s being shared is true, but there is a purposeful slant that opens an easy slide into perspectives that serve our own personal desires.

It’s human nature and it happens in more than 80% of our conversations. So what makes it troublesome?

Instead of talking about what’s wrong with spin, here’s what NOT spinning creates:

When we speak authentically we are allowing that everything which is in true resonance with us will be attracted to us.

Easier said than done, right? Especially when we take into account that more than 80% of our decisions and behaviors are ruled by the subconscious, and that’s where a LOT of our spin comes from.

Our survival-based, fear-riddled programs are all there in the subconscious, which has full on dominance over us, and you can bet all your crypto-currency that you’re putting spin on everything you communicate when it comes to making money, feeling safe, being liked or approved of by others, moving up in the workplace, attracting a partner, receiving pleasure . . .

Basically, anything that is tied in with our sense of safety and well-being is going to be spun into different sizes, shapes, and flavors based on who we’re dealing with. And like I said before, the problem with that is that we then find ourselves attracting resources, friends, jobs, clients, relationships, and all manner of circumstances that don’t really fit our deep authentic needs, and they don’t support us in living in our Noble Purpose.

In fact, all of this requires a LOT of maintenance because it is not natural. It eats away at our attention, our energy, our joy, and we burn out and then things fall apart.

There are many invisible hooks that extend from our energy body. These are parts of us that are afraid we aren’t going to survive if we don’t have _________________ (Fill in the blank: love, sex, food, sugar, money, a nice car . . . ). They extend out and grasp, push, pull . . . If you are very in tune you can feel it happening. If you aren’t aware of your energy body, it is something that many people can learn.

This hook that grasps, pushes, pulls, and forces pulls us away from the natural flow of abundance and resources that are aligned with our authentic self and burns up all of our reserves.

As I continue to drop deeper and deeper into trust that being my authentic self will serve my best and highest, I’m finding that manifestation is accelerated.

If you have found that you’re working really hard, worn out, overwhelmed, feeling like you don’t have enough, then you are running this in your system and it is killing you a little more every day– death by a thousand cuts.

It’s time to free yourself from those subconscious programs that are going in all the wrong directions and keeping you from Royal Ease.

I have a LOT of resources to support you that are free, and I have some ways of helping you that are profoundly life-changing that are an investment.

If you want to find out about the free resources I have to offer, reply FREE ME in the comments and I’ll hook you up.

If you would like to talk with me about getting my personal help in quickly shifting your survival-based programs into thrive-based abundance, you can schedule some time with me here for a no pressure, no push conversation:

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A peek behind closed doors: Navigating a shit-storm as a leader

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

If you know me on a personal level, you know that part of my Noble Purpose as a “leader” is to be as transparent, raw, and vulnerable as possible in the name of sharing how and where I fail, and how I use my failures and unexpected, unforeseen “wipe-outs” to put me in a better place than I was before.

I’ve been through some doozies. A marriage destroyed by meth-amphetamines, ending in a restraining order, losing most of my possessions and my home . . .

But I was given a vision (one I hoped was just a teaching through awareness rather than personal experience) that if I am to truly step up as a leader, the kind I want to see in the world, then I will need to be open to sharing in my hardest moments, and I was shown that I would be given some hard moments to navigate.

So, if you’ve ever wanted to peek behind the curtains or listen in on those private conversations to see what REALLY happens to teachers and leaders when they’re in their shit . . . here’s your chance.

Beyond just the focus on calling in Twin Flame love and knowing how to navigate it through deep, raw, uncensored, unfiltered, transparency, Gerwin and I are diving into the full spectrum that comes up when you’re human. Financial challenges, losing your home, core wounds getting triggered at the same time . . . All our messiest moments we are consciously having in a documented way that helps you to see how we walk our talk. We call them “Pillowcasts”

When I was little, I was told not to cry. I was threatened with “something to REALLY cry about,” if I showed any tears of grief or sadness.

It took me YEARS into my adulthood to be able to even cry in front of a partner, and even longer to be able to cry in front of more casual acquaintances. Never in front of strangers.

It is incredibly vulnerable to be willing to let you all see into my hardest, grief-filled moments, full of tears and snot, when I’m feeling the least resourced . . . but I also think it is important to let you all see it because these are the moments where so much gold can happen if you know how to find it.

I’ve been blessed with the ability to find it, and ever since I was a very little girl, seeing how some things were just easier for me that were very hard for others, I’ve been passionate about helping other people to access the same navigational skills for the challenges that happen to us as humans – death, loss, survival threats, heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment . . .

If you value this experience, then you are invited to see what this deep and intimate process is like. There is no better way than to experience it as present and real as possible. This is our gift of Love to you.

You are invited to be with us on our Journey with Love. Get in on our Pillowcasts that we are making of our deep conversations normally kept behind closed doors.

We want you to find the gold with us. We want you to live Royal Love and learn how to navigate the Epic Unknown that opens up when love stretches you beyond your comfort zone and starts purging you of all that is NOT love. (It makes Ayahuasca seem like Pepto-Bismo.)

You can learn more and get your free gift and start this powerful journey at our site: http://journeywithlove.us.

The thought of losing the home I’ve dedicated myself to and built my whole business around as a steward of this land, it has been a trauma that has hit me very deeply.

I’ve not been able to sleep much more than 2-4 hours each night, which has been going on for the past 10 days now. I’m so aware of the old survival-based programming. It goes into anxiety and panic and my whole body is in incredible pain. My heart feels like it’s folding in on itself, my head throbs, my whole body aches. My instincts are to jump into adrenalized action and “DO something about it!” And fortunately, I have learned that this doesn’t really help much. What is most important is to allow my nervous system to relax and come back into center and THEN I can make inspired, at-choice decisions that serve and are created from a resourced and stable place.

In fact, an old practice, inspired by a long time sister and friend, Sonya Sophia, world-renowned EFT practitioner, has deepened and expanded to a multi-dimensional access portal as a result of the potent energies that are being kicked up in this particular Kali Etch-A-Sketch life shakedown.

I’ve found that trauma and tragedy have gold that is not accessed any other way – insights, inspirations, growth . . . there’s a certain quality – because we would NEVER willingly sign up for them (deaths, losses, traumas) that make them particularly rare and precious. The gifts hidden inside of these shit-storms are priceless. I’ve been (un)fortunate to have been able to walk through a few of these shake-down shit-storms and find immense treasure.

That’s what my number one passion has been ever since I realized I could do this, but few other people even know it’s possible. To help everyone possible to be able to turn their hardest experiences into alchemical gifts of gold. Spiritual composting.

If you have any belief this might be true, but don’t know how to do this for yourself, I’ve created many resources – many of which are completely free, many are incredibly cheap, and some of them are full of all sorts of lovely bells and whistles that are an investment to experience. Whatever level – I’ve made it available for you to serve you.

Please let it serve you.

I’m going through a potent metamorphosis: Finding my Twin Flame, navigating long distance relationship, epic and quantum level personal growth, triggering core wounds for healing, unexpected shifts that are shaking my financial stability, losing my home. I have no idea how this all will turn out, but I am committed to being open with you so that you may have some inside scoop access to see an example from someone who’s been able to do it in a very good way, many times over. And now, I’ll be doing it with my beloved partner, Gerwin

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My Twin Flame Story + What no one else is telling you about Twin Flame relationships

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

Last Summer, I met my Twin Flame. It was a potent and magical experience and I thought you might be interested in hearing it.

I also wanted to share with you a little bit about Twin Flame relationships. It’s something you need to know if you want to attract your own cosmic, epic LOVE.

There are shadows to this kind of relationship that everyone who wants one or is in one should know.

I created a quick video to share the secrets.

Also, my Beloved and I have created a whole website dedicated to helping others who want Royal Love (that’s the BIG L-O-V-E). We want you to have this potent and beautiful experience and we want you to know how to navigate the intense challenges that will most definitely arise as you step into the flames of this passionate union.

We have a free gift for you: “Journey with Love” Guided Practice. It’s the practice I did to call in my Beloved and it’s mixed with a beautiful soundscape that my twin flame, Gerwin, created to take you deep into the frequencies of Royal Love.

Get your gift here :: FREE GIFT ::

And here’s the quick video I made for you . . .

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The Sacred Feminine Revolution

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

On the dynamic of women vs. men.

 

This has been percolating for me for a very long time. I’ve sat down to write many times, but the words just haven’t come out right. Still not sure they are as efficient as they could be, but I do want to share from my heart.

 

There has been so much coming up and out that is triggering deep, old, centuries old, generations old trauma for women.

 

It doesn’t matter whether you’ve “done your personal work” or not, watching how women are regarded by leaders in our country, disrespected, belittled, dishonored . . . is helping to unleash a rage that has been smoldering deep since the dawn of patriarchy.

 

There has been a deep slumber that has taken over humanity that is at the root of being able to see another human, whether it’s the color of their skin, their gender, or some other characteristic or trait, as “less than,” and somehow worthy of subhuman treatment. It has created a desire for power, and if the tables ever turn or the balance is shifted, the rage continues and is then used to justify the subhuman treatment of what once was the oppressor by those who were once the oppressed.

 

The only way I see of ending the cycle of pushing and pulling for power is to be willing to wake up together and to work for solutions together.

 

We are in fact, waking up together.

 

This rage that is bubbling up to the surface in women is helping us to finally find our voices. To stop letting coercion lead to unwanted submission (sexually, financially, socially, politically). What we as women are seeing is that we have been conditioned to cater to, submit to, comply with the needs, desires and preferences of men because it wasn’t so long ago (and is still actually happening for many) that not going along with this conditioning was a full on threat to our (and our children’s) lives.

 

We are waking up from that conditioning.

 

And so are the men.

 

Men, too, are starting to wake up (could be at a slower, more resistant pace, but I haven’t got any unbiased research on it so to be fair, I’m going to assume the best and call it even). They are starting to realize that “no” might actually mean “no,” and true consent is critical, and that women might actually have the same value and are worthy of the same rights and privileges men have.

 

Men were conditioned by the same fucked up ideology that women were, except that they are on the other side of this unhealthy and toxic coin: to believe that women are weak, too emotional to make a rational decision, are here mainly to please, serve and submit to men.

 

It’s just as “Not Okay” now as it was 50 years ago to treat women as less than, but we’ve all been under a spell that has put us into deep slumber and we’re all waking up together. Men are facing the horror of realizing that their “boys will be boys” behavior that was, just a short while ago, condoned and even rewarded is now the fucked up thing it really is: abusive, disrespectful and intolerable.

 

I’m not excusing it, but I am acknowledging that we are all waking up together from the nightmare. Some of us are “coming to” as victims empowering ourselves to stand in our power and speak our truth and demand justice, and some of us are “coming to” as ignorant perpetrators (some not so ignorant, but my sense is that most of it is genuinely the result of ignorance and ingrained/inherited beliefs) reacting to these atrocities with deep shame, guilt, denial, defensiveness, self-protection . . . all sorts of self-protective mechanisms.

 

When I started to realize (long before this current wave of #metoo) that I had allowed men to do things I didn’t want, I compassionately forgave myself because I saw that I was brought up in a society that teaches disempowerment to women constantly from all sorts of angles (fashion, music, politics, finances, business . . .).

I had a deep rage toward the men who forced their desires on me and didn’t listen to the many ways I tried to say “no,” including actually saying “no.” What I ultimately realized was, while their behavior was intolerable, I could find compassion for their ignorance and their awful behavior because they were taught (and rewarded) to treat me that way, just as I was taught to accept that treatment.

 

It is not logical to assume that men, who have benefitted from this dynamic for centuries, and been taught by centuries of political, religious and societal beliefs/practices/values, are going to “wake up” and “get it” faster than women are. It is not logical or likelier than a snowball’s chance in hell that they are going to suddenly know how to behave in a “good way” just because we are now finding our voice, power and strength to say “ENOUGH!”

 

I’m still witnessing myself, my friends who are very strong women, and other powerful females around me feeling uncomfortable fully speaking our truth, unable to confidently say what we want and don’t want, not owning what we believe and letting “no” actually mean “no.” Many of us are just now learning how to give ourselves permission to be sovereign.

 

While we are all starting to recognize that NOW is absolutely the time for this bullshit to change, the only way it’s going to happen in a good way, that prevents a slipping into retaliation, revenge and a perpetuation of the “us vs. them” mentality is to recognize what is going to lead to mutual respect and honoring all humans: UNDERSTANDING. LISTENING. Being so focused on solutions that there is no time for blame, defense, guilt, denial.

 

Grief and processing all that is coming up is essential. Letting it out of our systems is crucial. Targeting that grief and anger at those whom we think “deserve it” will absolutely only perpetuate the struggle for power instead of the collaboration for healing.

 

Those of us who find themselves in the “perpetrator” role – whether they’ve ever done anything harmful to anyone or not – need to recognize that their perspective is skewed and full of convenient blind spots that have allowed them, their friends, their fathers, their uncles and countless generations before them to do things that we now recognize are not okay (and never were okay). Now is the time to just listen.

 

Men, that means giving your ear to more than 50% of the conversation. To start listening to the women in your life. (Recent research shows that if a woman takes up 50% of a conversation with a man, he is going to perceive that she dominated the conversation). Let’s give women the benefit of the doubt and give them the bulk of the conversation. Let’s ask women how they feel, what they need, and how they can be supported as we all go through this time of birth (that is full of intense labor pains for everyone). Focus on listening for the sake of actually understanding where women are coming from and where to go from this moment forward.

 

Women, let’s allow ourselves to be angry in ways that heal us, empower us, and completely transform the old struggle for power into a full stepping up into our own sovereignty (a sovereigness doesn’t struggle for power, she simply resides within it). Let’s be honest about how we feel and learn how to be angry without targeting people, retaliating, and let’s make sure we do what is healthy, helpful and looks like what we want to see in the world instead of falling into “justified” reactions.

 

And I feel this is the same with racial justice as well.

 

When I’m in a conversation with a friend of color, I have all sorts of feelings and opinions and my ego wants to jump in and say all those things. Right now, unless I am asked about my feelings and opinions, I have made it a policy to focus on just listening and understanding, asking how I can support, being compassionate, seeking to understand even more. . . and I have found that there isn’t anything I was going to say that actually needed to be said.

 

Listening needs to be the main role of anyone who is waking up and seeing that they have been in a place of privilege. Whether they think they have perpetuated harm or not, been accused of it or not.

 

The only way to learn the good way is to listen to the people we may have stepped on while we were asleep. We need to forgive ourselves for being assholes in the past, say “I’m sorry” for being an asshole, and truly mean it, and then be genuinely interested in how to not be “that asshole” in the future by listening to the people we were assholes to, to help them release their pain and to explore together how to make kindness, beauty and love happen instead of pain and suffering.

 

 

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“I feel like a failure in my life.” Here’s what to do.

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

This topic comes up often for my clients, and even for me.

It’s true. No matter how much money you make, or how many loving relationships, or how much success a person has, there are still little mental gremlins that try to convince us that we’re not worthy, that we’re failures in some way (or in every way).

In this week’s video, I share a little about this experience in my own life and what I do (and what you can do) to move through the negative self-talk that can sometimes lead to downward spirals that are hard to come back from.

If you know someone (or even think you might know someone) who suffers from “Wonder Woman” Syndrome (that “gotta be perfect all the time” disease), please share it with them. Comment and let me know if this was helpful, what more you could use support with and anything else that inspires you.

Your light is unique and needed in the world. Don’t let the downs that are a part of every story and every journey make you think you can’t do it. You can. I believe in you.


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What’s the meaning of life? Answer

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

Hey Superstar;

No big whoop. I’m just going to share with you what Creator told me about the meaning of life.

https://youtu.be/9FDQFK1Rtsw to get the scoop.

And of course, just because you know, doesn’t mean you have all the tools to actually integrate and put it into practice. But don’t worry! I can help.

Get in on all my free gifts (all the posts here + all the cool stuff I send you when you join my mailing list). If you’re not already on my mailing list, make sure to go to the home page, scroll down and give me your name and email and then you’re in!

And if you’d like to talk with me about how my personal Spiritual Success Mentoring can help you to actually implement this higher wisdom so you can have a life much happier than you can currently imagine, I’d love to connect.

Here’s a :: LINK :: to get a “Live Your Purpose & Prosper” Discovery Session absolutely free. It’s my gift to you.

Until we connect again, May the Source be with you!


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Audio Interview: Wisdom of the Ancients

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

Enjoy this audio interview (along with several other interviews with international teachers, healers & leaders) I did with Wisdom of the Ancients.

We dive into shamanism, plant medicine and other magic.

Enjoy!

Oh, and you’ll need to scroll down until you see the photo of me (and feel free to enjoy the other interviews on this page!)

:: CLICK HERE :: to listen

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Interview: Sacred Feminine, Plant Medicine & the Subconscious

By Amanda Elo’esh Johnsen, M.A.

Check out this recent interview I did with Sabin Minsky for her “Empowered Empath” Summit.

We dove into some of the Sacred Feminine practices that can help you to work less and live more in your purpose, how plant medicine allies can accelerate your path to empowerment, and I give a little Subconscious Success Repatterning journey.

Enjoy!

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